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AUTHORS EDITION, 



A DELICATE QUESTION 

An Original Comedy Drama 
in four acts 



BY 

J. A. FRASER, Jr. 

Author of A Noble Outcast— The Train Wreckers— Edelweiss 

— McGinty's Troubles— Linked by Law- The Judge's 

Wife — Under an Alias — Modern Ananias — The 

New State's Attorney— Face to Face— 

"Twixt Love and Money— The 

Merry Cobbler — etc. 



WAR 



CHICAGO. 
THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY. 



Characters. A .& 

mpecked. /jO / fk 




Ezra Meeker -The He 
"Mariar"— The Henpeckei 
Zachariah Smarden— The Reformer. 
Will Goodall— The Hired Man. 
Elsie Meeker — The Choir Leader. 
Harry Meeker— The Black Sheep. 
Lein Davis — The Saloon Keeper. 
Hen Spraddling— The Mayor. 
Tom Barton— The Police Force. 
J&ggsj—The Town "Bum." 
Selh Soper— The Postmaster. 
Pickles — The Bound Girl. 

ACT I. 
The Question discussed with frankness. Meeker's door yard. 

ACT II. 

The Question agitated with fervor, Meeker's kitchen. 

ACT III. 

The Question handled with force. Lem's saloon. 

ACT IV. 

The Question settled with firmness. Home, Siccet Home. 

Plays two hours. Time— The present day. Place — Iowa. 

Note. — This piece may be played with five men and. three 
women by doubling (1) Harry Meeker and Jaggsy, Tom Barton 
and Ben Spraddling ; (2) Lem Boris and Seth Soper: (3) Zach., 
Lent and Will going on for whitecaps. 

Supers will, of course, add to the effectiveness of the stage 
pictures. 



Copyrighted A. D. 1896 
by The Dramatic Publishing- Co., Chicago. 



NOTICE: No person is allowed, to produce this play with- 
out written permission from the publishers for which a fee of 
S3. 00 is charged. All infringements will be prosecuted to 
the full extent of the law. 



±s 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 



Notes on Production. 

A Delicate Question will be found one of the most successful 
comedies ever played by amateurs. The leading characters are 
not only easily acted but they are so evenly balanced that only 
superior ability can determine which the audience will most ad- 
mire. Back of all the fun an interesting and pathetic story is 
told, which holds the eager attention till the last word. The 
question discussed in the play— the saloon question— is one which 
is uppermost in every community. The moral is pointed without 
a line of preaching, and is as irresistable as it is amusingly devel- 
oped. The management of the stage is given in complete detail, 
and the labor of rehearsal, for this reason, will be found materi- 
ally lightened. Every actor can see at a glance his position at 
every movement of the performance. The scenery is easy to 
handle, all the settings being simple, and the one sensational 
effect is easy to manage. The costumes are everyday clothes 
such as everybody has. 

Costumes. 

Ezra. First act— Old jeans pants, calico shirt, heavy top boots 
and battered old "cowfeed" straw hat. Half bald, grey wig, grey 
chin piece. Act 2 Well worn, ill-fitting suit, white collar and 
black tie. While off during the skunk incident he changes pants 
and tucks them up, reappearing with undershirt and in a barrel. 
He then puts on shirt and different coat and slippers. At close 
of act appears wilh night gown hanging out of pants behind. 
Act 3— Same coat and pants as in Act 2, with slouch felt hat. 
Act 4 — Same. Maria. Old-fashioned black skirt, gaudy hat, old- 
fashioned wrap and sunshade. Act 2— Calico dress and apron. 
Act 3 — Same as act 1. Act 4 — Another calico dress and same hat. 
Zachariah. Black suit of ministerial cut, white choker, silk 
hat, black gloves. He is made up pale and clean shaven, with 
beard showing beneath the skin. Black wig parted in the middle 
and slicked down close to his head. Same dress all through. 
Will. Act 1— Overalls, calico shirt, no coat, old felt hat. Acts 
2, 3, and 4 dark, neat suit with round "granger" felt hat. Elsie. 
Pretty walking dress, change to pretty calico wrapper. Act 2— 
Neat house dress, which may be worn all through. Harry. 
Smart, stylish business suit, but rather loud. Lem. Very flashy 
clothing, soft felt hat, no collar. In act 3 he is in his shirt 
sleeves with white apron on. Wears large diamond (?) in shirt, 
but no collar or tie. Clean shaved except small black chin beard. 
Spraddling. A little, weak-looking old man. White wig, dark 
suit, silk hat, black tie, white side whiskers. Tom Barton. 
Rough suit, policeman's helmet, large star on coat and carries a 



1 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

stout stick. Jaggsy. Tramp make-up, ragged, with stubble of 
beard and red nose. Second dress a little more respectable. 
Seth. Very bald, white wig, spectacles, dark suit. Pickles, Act 
1 — Ragged calico dress, knee skirt, shoes unbuttoned, very un- 
tidy. Act 2 — Much neater calico dress and pinafore. Same in 
Act 3. Somewhat "dressed up" in Act 4. 

Troperty Tlot. 

ACT I. Small rough bench; pump or well box with pail of 
of water beside it, or pail may stand on bench under window; 
tin dipper; Set tree; garden seat; picket fence; law book 
for Bill; slapsticks to be used off r. when Maria is beating Ezra 
and Pickles; crockery crash; set of harness; two written letters 
for Jaggsy in envelopes; coin for Elsie in pocket book; tin dish- 
pan with potatoes in it; pot stick for Maria. 

ACT II. Kitchen table; kitchen dresser with drawer and 
dishes; small, plain table; ironing board; rough dry and ironed 
washing; flat irons and holder; clothes basket and horse; checker 
board and checkers; valise and clothing to put in it; patent 
rocking chair and five common chairs; cash box; roll of paper 
money for Lem, also bill heads; letter for Ezra; double barreled 
gun; black snake whip for white caps. Note: One is a clammy 
made of black cloth stuffed with hay, and with a lash of plaited 
cotton cloth for Ezra to use. The sound is given by some one 
whipping behind the scene. Sugar barrel .with bottom out; 
lighted lamp on small table; lighted dark lantern for whitecaps; 
lighted stable lantern for Pickles; wallet for Zachariah to put 
money in, also umbrella and bunch of keys; bunch of keys for 
Ezra; white hood masks for white caps; wallet for Will with paper 
money in it. 

ACT III. Sign, " Cigars— Lem Davis— Billiards"; garden 
bench; beer kegs and barrels; coin for Jaggsy; bungstarter with 
padded head for Lem; paper package to represent dynamite 
cartridge with real fuse to light; steel bars, suspended by a string, 
and hammer to beat them to immitate fire bells. Note: For the 
explosion use a tomato can with gunpowder at bottom, led to by 
short fuse, and filled up with gunpowder and sawdust; fire it in 
entrance and at the same time fire a gun into an empty barrel 
and light red fire inside house; have bricks and old plaster on a 
trip board above the entrance in which saloon is set and trip the 
stuff onto stage when the explosion occurs. This is easy to do 
and highly effective. 

ACT IV. Newspaper; lighted lamp on table; basin with water 
and sponge; cotton bandage; fireman's ax. 



A DELICATK QUESTION. 



ACT I. 

[Exterior of the Meeker homestead. Set house k. 2 E.with 
prac. window and door. Supposed to be (he back yard. Small 
bench r. l J um/> or well hoc l. Set free with scot underneath > . 
opposite 2. Set horn l. \\ ].. {or fake it) steps up to door of houve. 
Picket fence acrossback with gate <■. Landscape backing. Time: 
curly afternoon in June. At rise Will is reading /on- book < n 
bench R. 

Will. [Reading.] "Law is the perfection of reason; it always 
intends to conform thereto, and that which is not reason is not 
law. Justinian reduces the whole doctrine of law to these three 
general principles: Live honestly, hurt nobody, and render fo 
everyone his just due." If Mrs. Meeker only lived up to that last 
principle she would have dinner ready, instead of gadding off' In 
a noonday meeting. [ Voices heard offL.. u. e.] Hello,she's com- 
ing now. [Maria with Zachariab and Elsie with Deacon enter 
r.. tr. e. cross to c. and come down.] 

Mar. [Speaking as site enters] As you said this mornin', 
Brother Smarden, the whole liquor trade had ought to be swept 
offen the face of the earth, and them that persists in sell in' the 
stuff had ought to go to penitentiary. [This brings her down l.. 
with Zacli. Elsie sits c. in conversation ivith Deacon and Will, 
who, after greetings, returns to his booh.} 

Zacli. Nothing but the most drastic measures. Sister Meeker, 
will rid the world of this awful curse. Ah! if the cause only had 
the support of more earnest, Christian women like yourself, we 
would then 



6 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

Mar. [As she sees Bill.] Well, I declare! Say, you, Bill! Do 
you think you git $20 a month and board for moonin' and mavvk- 
in' over books day and night? 

Will. [On bench r. Rising.] This is my dinner hour, Mrs. 
Meeker. There was no dinner ready, so I thought I would till in 
the time to advantage. [Goes c. to Elsie. Zach. crosses and sits 
on bench r.] 

Mar. Huh! Couldn't a got Pickles to give you a snack, I sup- 
pose? [Calls.] Pickles! Pickles! [Zach goes to Deacon «.] 

Pickles. [Within.] Yes, mum; I'm coming. 

Mar. You'd better come a-runnin'. [Crossing to door.] 

Elsie. Don't mind it, Will, it's only her way. 

Will. Her way seems to be to make everybody as uncomfort- 
able as she can. She succeeds in my case. I'm hungry. 

Mar. [Aside. Looking at Will and Elsie. Deacon talking to 
Zach.] I'll put a stop to that business. Xo hired man for my 
gal. [Aloud.] Elsie, go in the house and see what's keepin' that 
dawdlin' little imp. 

Elsie. Yes. mother. [Ex. into house. Will starts 'to follow 
Iter.) 

Mar. [Stopping him.] They hain't no call for you to go in 
till dinner is ready. You can go to the barn and hunt eggs, and 
see that you don't suck none of them, neither. 

Will. You seem to go out of your way to insult me to-day. 

[Ex. L. U. E.] 

Mar. [Down c] Don't you sass me back, young man, or 
you'll see trouble. [Pickles appears at door.] Why didn't you 
git dinner when you see they was a protracted meetin'? 

Pickles. I didn't see no protracted meetin', and I wouldn't 
know what it was if I did see it. I ain't got my work done up, 
anyway. 

Mar. Why, you lazy, shiftless, disobedient young monkey — 
you didn't have a thing to do, har'ly. [Pickles crosses to r^. Mar. 
follows.] What was you doin'? 

Pick. Made the beds, emptied the slops, fed the chickens, 
washed the dishes, scrubbed the kitchen, dusted the parlor, 
cleaned the stove, and now I'm learnin' the temperance pledge 
off by heart. Say, I wish you'd send me back to the poor house, 
so I could git a vacation. 

Mar. Go right in and start a tire and then peel the pertatoes. 
Git a move onto you. Scat! [Ex. Pickles into Itouse.] I'd ast 
you folks to stop to dinner, only they ain't anything in the house 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 7 

fit to eat, har'ly. I've been so powerful interested in the reform 
wave that I kinder had to let my housekeepin' slide. 

Zach. Don't mention it, Sister Meeker. Deacon Soper and I 
were just discussing what is to be done about your husband. As 
he is one of the biggest taxpayers jn town, and owns the building 
where Lem Davis keeps saloon, it makes it all the harder to have 
him against the Lord's side. 

Deacon. Especially as Sister S mar den is so liberal to the 
church and foreign missions. Cash counts these times. [He and 
Zach. rise.] 

Mar. You're not goin', be you. [b. c] 

Zaeli. There is work in the vineyard, Sister Meeker, and we 
must move along. Now do use all your influence with your hus- 
band. We must rid our fair town of this accursed traffic — it is 
the Lord's work, sister. 

Mar. You leave Ezra to me and the Lord, Brother Smarden. 
It'll be mighty hard sleddin', but we'll convert Ezra. 

Ezra. [Sticks head out of window.] You don't say so. [Dis- 
appears.] 

Mar. [Turning sharply.] Yes, I do say so, and if you was 
listenin' you didn't hear nothin' more than the plain, baldheaded 
facts. [Goes i,. as Ezra enters from door.] 

Zach. [Comes down and shakes hands.] Good day, Brother 
Meeker. I was disappointed not to see you with your good wife 
at the meeting. We are doing great work, Brother Meeker, a 
great work. [Going c. with Ezva.] 

Ezra. So was I, Brother Smarden. I was doin' great work, 
too. I 'tended to my stock, mended the light spring wagon, 
'iled the harness and washed my feet. 

Deacon. Better assist us in savin' this land from the liquor 
traffic, even if your chores are never done. 

Ezra, [a] Nor my feet washed, nuther? 

Zach. [l. c] Cleanliness is next to godliness, Brother Meeker. 
But we need you in this glorious work of reform. » 

Ezra. You don't say so. Well, that hain't the way I made my 
money — tendin' to other peoples' business and neglectin' my own. 

Zach. Very true, Brother Meeker, but do not forget thou art 
thy brother's keeper. 

Ezra. Not now — I was. [Lays l. hand on. Zach's shoulder.] 
1 kep' Bob goin' on five year, but last spring I made him git out 
and hustle for himself. [Zach. starts to go.] Hold on, though, 
mebbe brothers-in-law don't count. 

Zach. Every man is our brother, as the good book says. 

Ezra. [Crossing t„] That's what Bob banked on in my case. 



8 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

Got so at last that lie kinder looked to me for everything from 
new pants to chewin' terbacker. I stood it till he tried to bony 
my store teeth and then I quit. 

Mar. [k. c] I'd be ashamed, Ezra, and poor Bob enjoyin' 
such poor health, with dyspepsy and pain in the back. [Sits on 
doorstep, angrily.] 

Ezra. Didn't have no wuss pain in the back than I did after 
holdin' him up five year, 1 reckon. 

Zach. I meant that we will be held responsible for our 
brethren. 

Ezra. Yes, when we back their note or go responsible. I 
went responsible for Bob and had to settle the bill. 

Zach. [a] What I mean is that we must answer for every 
stumbling block we put in the way of our brethren, Brother 
Meeker. The liquor traffic, for instance 

Ezra. [Takes c. Zach. drops down to r. with Mar.] Now. 
look a-here, Brother Smarden, you're edgin' up to Lena Davis 
again, hain't ye? Well, as long as liquor is made men are bound 
to get it if they want it. If three-qnarters of the folks in town 
want it, you can't make 'em quitwantin' it and gettin' it, too, by 
passin'laws. Contrarywise, if three-quarters of the people in 
town don't want it, dad fetch me if I can see what right they 
have to make the other quarter knuckle down to their idees. I 
don't, by gracious! 

Deacon. [Crosses l.] But the majority have a right to rule, 
Ezra, and when a law is passed the minority's got to abide by it. 
[Spits. Chewing all the time.] 

Ezra. [Follows him to l. c] You don't say so. I think F see 
folks abidin' by every fool law every fool legislature ever passed. 
Go 'long, Seth. Suppose three-quarters of the folks in town was 
of a religion different from yourn, and they passed an ordinance 
that the other quarter had to jine their church or move out. 
How about that? [Goes r. c. triumphantly.] 

Mar. Ezra Meeker, you alius was the biggest fool in seven 
counties. You can't argey. [Rises.] Now it just comes down 
to this: Be you goin' to turn that Davis out, or be you not? 

Ezra. Not on your tintype. He pays his rent regular, and if I 
don't lease to him some one else will. 

Zach. [k. c] Then you are an enemy of the temperance 
cause. 

Ezra, No such a thing, but I'm not payin" taxes for my health. 
[Going c] 

Zach. Those who are not for us are against us, and the j 
book says, "woe unto him that giveth his neighbor strong drink." 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 9 

Ezra. [c. in front of seat.] That don't hit me — I never treat. 
[Sits c. and crosses legs* swinging foot.] 

Deacon, [l..] Suppose your yon Harry falls a victim to the 
Chicago saloonkeepers that goes about like a ragin' lion seeking 
what they can devour? 

Ezra. Harry drink liquor? Sho, Deacon — you don't know 
that boy. Why, he walks nine miles every day to save ten cents 
car fare. 

Zach. I'm afraid you are paying too much attention to the 
dollars, Brother Meeker. The town needs reforming, and as an 
instrument in the hands of Providence, I propose to reform it. 

Ez. You don't say so. Say, if you'd lived here as long as J 
have you'd be scared to tackle it. You ask Tom Burton, our 
police force. 

Zach. Heaven will give me strength. 

Ezra. [Rises.] You hain't never seen Davis, have ye? 

Zach. Not yet. In fact I do not propose to parley with the 
enemy, but to exterminate him. Well, good day to you. Good 
day, Sister Meeker. [Goes up l. c. with Deacon.] 

Mar. Good day, Brother Smarden; good day, Deacon. [As 
they go up.] I heme the conference with the mayor will turn out 
as we wish. 

Zach. Pray for us, Sister Meeker. [Going t„ u. e.] 

Mar. Indeed I will. [Ex. Zach and Deacon l. u. e.] Ezra 
Meeker, hain't you most ashamed to death to talk to a preacher 
that, a way? Hain't you, now? 

Ezra. Not a durn bit. [Sitting c] 

Mar. Then you'd ought to be. 

Ezra. You don't say so. 

Mar. Yes, I do say so. What's more, they'll be a judgment on 
you yet. 

Ezra. Nobody's suein' me, and I stand in with the sheriff. 

Mar. I meant a judgment from above, you old sinner. Your 
barn'll burn down, or your buildin's on Main street, or the white- 
caps '11 git you and Lem Davis, or sumpin' — see if they don't. 

Ezra. You don't say so. If the whitecaps pester with this 
old jay they'll find their Uncle Ezra hot company. Whitecaps? 
Well, I guess not. 

Mar. Go on and blow, you old wind bag. Over to Clark's cor- 
ners, last night, they licked old Abe Carter like sixty for sellin' 
liquor, and served him right, too. 

Ezra. You don't say so. [Rises. Going.] Well, they won't 
Abe Carter me. When they come they'll find me watchin' for 



10 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

'em. [Aside.] And ready to sprint at the drop of a hat. I 
can run like a three-year-old. [Ex. into house.] 

Mar. That's the way it is whenever anythin' touches his 
pocket. When he gits his hands onto a dollar he grips it till the 
goddess of liberty screeches murder. But I must sound that gal 
about Brother Smarden. [Calls at door.] Elsie— oh, Elsie— 
here. 

Elsie. [Within.] In a second, mother. I'm just changing my 
dress. 

Mar. That's right, darter. Alius be careful of your, clothes. 
[Elsie re-enters.] Well, how do you like Brother Smarden. 

Elsie. Why, mother, I—- he— [confused. Sits c.J 

Mar. [l. c] Don't you try to fool your mother, Miss Inno- 
cence. I see you and him gittin' mighty confidential. Say— do 
you know what he told me? 

Elsie. What, mother? 

Mar. That of all the gals he ever heard leadin' the singin' you 
had the only voice that sounded like a stray note straight from 
paradise. How's that? 

Elsie. Oh, mother! 

Mar. Makes you blush, don't it? Then I told him what a 
right smart housekeeper you was, and how economical, makin' all 
your own dresses, and how much propity and money in bank 
your paw had, and then I kinder hinted that a revivalist without 
a wife didn't sorter carry so much weight 

Elsie. Mother! [Rising.] What must the man think of me? 
How could you cheapen me like that? It was cruel. Oh, I feel 
so mean — so mean. [Weeps, with bach to audience.] 

Mar. Well, forever and forever more! You've got him, I tell you, 
if you only handle him right, and you can thank your maw for it. 

Elsie. I never want to see him again. Oh, mother, how could 
you do it? I'm so ashamed — I never was so humiliated in all my 
life.* [Ex. into house, sobbing.] 

Mar. Sakes alive! I don't know what's got into the gals nowa- 
days. I'd a-been tickled to death if my maw had helped me to 
git the feller I wanted. [Ex. into house. Heard in house.] How 
dast you, Ezra Meeker, how dast you clutter up my kitchen like 
that, and spill ile all over the floor that poor child scrubbed this 
mornin' on her bended knees. Git out of this! [Noise of a 
scuffle.] 

Ezra. [Within] Doggone it, Mariar, quit now. I didn't do it 
a-purpose. [Another scuffle and crockery crash.] Quit, now, 
will ye? 

Mar. [Shouting] I'll learn you — [sound of beating. Whack: 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 11 

Whack!] — I'll learn you to cut up like a dog before the preacher, 
[WJiack! Whack!] I'll learn you to take the wages.of sin from 
that Lem Davis, I will. [Whack! Whack!] I'll learn you to be 
a Christian if I have to break every bono in your body doin' it. 
[Door opens. Ezra is pitched or falls out. Harness thrown on 
top of him.] 

Ezra. Help, murder, police! 

Mar. [At door.] That'll learn you who's boss in this house, 
anyhow. 

Ezra. You don't say so. [Sitting on stage.] 

Mar. Yes I do say so. Now you take them harness to the 
barn and then turn in and finish peelin' them pertaters. [Goes to 
him and hands him dishpan with potatoes in it.] I'll find that 
Pickles and lam her good; I'll learn her to break my plates, the 
young imp. [Ex. R. I. E, calling] Pickles! oh, Pickles! 

Ezra. What a sweet angel she'll make. Ever since she got 
holiness, so she can't sin no more, she's like a she tomcat every 
time her dander's riz. Reckon I'd better take them harness to 
the barn or she's liable to murder me. [Rises and looks off r. f. 
e. as Pickles begins howling within.] She's got Pickles and she's 
givin' her tits. [Sound of slapping and Pickles bawling "Oh, 
don't, mam" etc.] I pity the cherubims when Mariar takes to 
runnin' the golden streets. [Pickles rustics on r. i. k. Ezra holds 
her r. c] What's she been doin' to you? 

Pickles. Lerarae go, Pap, lemrne go. She's after me with a 
club for breakin' them dishes. 

Mar. [Off r. i. e.] Wait till I lay hands on you. 

Pickles, Lemme go, Pap, quick. Lem me hide. I know a 
good place. [Mar. runs on with stick.] Don't let her hit me, 
Pap, please don't. [She gels behindJZzrsi, ivho picks up harness.] 

Mar. [r. corner.] Let go that gal, Ezra Meeker. She needs 
correcting and I'm goin' to do it. I'm responsible to the county 
for her raisin'. 

Ezra. I'm responsible to the county for her life. You don't have 
to correct her with a club, Mariar. 

Mar. Let her go, then, and I'll only spank her. [Goes to en- 
trance and throws club off. 

Ezra, [Aside.] Here's your chance, Pickles — scoot, [Pickles 
runs. Mar. after her. Chase around stage. Ezra drops har- 
ness in front of Mar. who falls.] Foot it Pickles, foot it for all 
you're worth. [Ex. Pickles l,.] 

Mar. [l,. c] If I wa'nt a Christian, I'd swear. You bald- 
headed old villain. [Rises.] Oh, oh — that fall has lamed my 
back. [Limping.] Oh, oh — it has broke my spine. [Sits c] 



12 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

Ezra. [k. c.j If it had only lamed your tongue, Mariar, I'd for- 
give it. 
Mar. If you'd only broke your neck awhile ago I'd forgive 

you. 

Ezra. You don't say so. 

Mar. Wait till I lay hands on that young imp, 

Ezra. You touch her again and I'll get you persecuted by the 
human society for cruelty to animals. [Crosses l.] 

Mar. I'll send her back to the poor house, where you took 
her from. 

Ezra. So do, Mariar, but you don't get no hired gal. All Pickles 
costs is her keep. 

Mar. [Rises.] Ezra Meeker, I've been the head of this family 
nigh onto thirty year, and when I hire help you'll pay 'em. 
What's more, I tell you pointedly, you've got to mend your man- 
ners from this day forth. 

Ezra, You don't say so. Want me to pattern on yourn, mebbe. 

Mar. [a] I'll just give you a hint that you hain't no tit 
father-in-law for a preacher. 

Ezra. Don't want to be, nuther. Hain't got no use for preachers. 
As for your latest craze, Smarden, the man hain't been here two 
weeks yet. 

Mar. Yes, but he's took holt powerful. He's took the hull 
town in hand. 

Ezra. Looks as if he'd take anything in hand he could lay his 
hands on, and skip with it. If Elsie has gone and got stuck on 
him I hain't. 

Mar. You don't have to marry him. 

Ezra. If I did I'd be tempted to pizen him and live alone. What 
does Elsie say ? 

Mar, What does any gal Bay at first? What did I sa,y when 
you first came cavortin' round me. Ezra Meeker? 

Ezra. You just kinder reached out with both hands and hung 
onto me like grim death. 

Mar. No such a thing. I said I wouldn't have you if you was 
covered with gold and di'monds. Didn't I? 

Ezra. You did, Mariar, you did. Oh, if you'd only stuck to 

that! 

Mar. More fool me I didn't. They was lots of fellers after 
me __john Henery Thompson, fer instance, 

Ezra. Yes; he got my gal and I got hisn — worse luck. [Goes h>> 
and sits 0.] Say, Mariar, John Henry is right welcome to you 
now, if he's fool enough. 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 13 

Mar, [r. c] If it wa'n't for niy thirds in the propity I'd have 
up and got a divorce long ago. 

Ezra. You don't say so! 

Mar. Yes I do say so. 

Ezra. You take your thirds and quit and I'll throw in the 
in the brindle heifer and $10 to boot. Hain't nothin' stingy about 
Ezra Meeker. * 

Mar. All tired anxious to git rid of me, hain't you? Well, you 
can't do it. [Going to house.] The brindle heifer and ten dol- 
lars to boot! He wants to take up with some young gal. Oh, 
I'm so mad I could holler. Ten dollars to boot! [Ex. into house.] 

Ezra. Reckon I'd better find Pickles, and git her to peel them 
pertaters. [Rises, goes l. and calls.] Pickles, oh, Pickles! 

Pickles. [Off.] Coo-ee — hello Dad— is she gone? 

Ezra. You bet she is— gone crazy. Come here. I want ye. 
[Beckoning her. Goes r.] 

Pickles. [Entersi.. 2 e.] Say, did she skull drag you? Let's 
see. [Lifts Ids hat.] Gee! I expected she'd have you plucked 
cleaner'n a geese. 

Ezra. [k. c] Naw — she's quit draggin' my hair out by the 
roots ever since she got religion — only takes a club to me now. I 
wisht she'd started that long ago — I'd a had more hair. 

Pickles. Poor old Dad. 

Ezra. Say, don't you ever let her hear ye call me Dad. It's 
like shakin' a red rag at a bull. 

Pickles. Why so? 

Ezra. 'Cause I came pretty nigh bein' your father once. 

Pickles. Go 'long! Then why didn't you? 

Ezra. 'Cause your mother wouldn't have me. Then I was 
durn fool enough to turn round and marry Mariar Martin for 
spite. They hain't nobody to blame only me — and Mariar, 
Mariar mostly. Gee, how she did chase me up. Oh, well- 
come along— bring them 'taters behind the house and we'll peel 
'em on shares. [Ex. with Pick. r. i. e. Jag-gsy enters l. u. e half 
drunk, comes down to well and draws cup of water. Raises it 
to his lips tiro or three times and puts it down disgusted.] 

Jag'g'sy. No— I can't go it. My stomach's too delicate. Won- 
der where Gusta Ann is? She might have a nickel or two for 
her poor old father. [Looks off r. i. e.] Why, there she is as 
large as life. [Calls softly.] Gusta — Gusta — Gusta Ann. Hears 
me and don't reconize her own christened name. [Calls] Oh, 
Pickles. [Beckons.] 

Pickles. [Off.] Hello, Pop. What you want? 

Jag". Want to see you special. [Goes c] 



U A DELICATE QUESTION. 

Pickles. [Enters r. i. e.] Well, if you ain't a sight. Drinkin t 
again, hain't ye? 

Jag\. Not a drop. I've reformed. Went to the temperance 
rally to-day and got caught in the wave. [Sings] "I've been re- 
deemed — I've been redeemed — " 

Pickles, [r. c] Say, Pop, would you just as lief sing as make 
that noise? Now, do you mean to say you've swore off again? 

Jag*. That's what. I've turned over a new leaf. 

Pickles. Best sit on it and keep it turned this trip, Pop. 
You've signed the pledge eight times already. Every time you 
backslided you told a lie, and Mam Meeker she 'lows we git a 
hundred years in the bad place for every whopper, so you'll have 
eight hundred years to burn. [Crosses l.] 

Jag*. Gosh — ain't it awful. 

Pickles. Mam didn't tell me how long they give you for get- 
tin' full, but I reckon they'll cook you up pretty good for that, 
too. Your only chance is to jine the church, Pop. 

Jag*. I'll do it, Gusta Ann, the minute I can lay my hands on 
some good clothes. [Sits c] 

Pickles. Goody, Pop, goody ! But, say, when you git to layin' 
hands on them clothes be right careful the feller 'at owns 'em 
ain't lookin' — won't ye now? 

Jag. Gusta Ann, don't you go to trifle with the feelin's of a 
reformed man. I've quit swipin'. 

Pickles. Ah, git out. You're joshin' me. 

Jag*. Dead earnest. Moreover, I've started workin'. 

Pickles. Oh, come off. 

Jag*. Fact. Postmaster Soper hired me to hustle up here 
w T ith these letters for Elsie Meeker. He's goin' to gimme a dime. 
How's that? 

Pickles. Splendid, Pop — splendid. [Crossing r.] Say, that's 
the first lick of w r ork you've done in goin' on four year, ain't it? 

Jag*. That's what. Oh, I've reformed, I tell ye. [Rises, goes 
r. to her.] Say, Gusta Ann, let me take a dime and I'll give it to 
you when the Deacon pays me. 

Pickles. What you want it for? 

Jag'. I want to git a bath. 

Pickles. Nixy, Pop, nixy. You wantin' a bath is just spreadin' 
it on a little too thick. Besides, I ain't had a dime since the one 
Harry Meeker gimme Fourth of July, which you borryed and 
blew in at Lem Davis's. 

Jag*. I'm goin' to pay you that dime on the installment plan, 
Pickles, [going c.J a cent a month. In ten months you'll have 
your money back. 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 15 

Pickles. [Following him c] Say, you are gittin' honest — 
hain't ye? 

Jag". You bet I am. Where's Elsie? 

Pickles. Gimme the letters — I'll take 'em to her. 

Jag'. Can't be did. I'm a special delivery. 

Pickles. All right, Pop. [Goes n.] Only don't let Dad Meeker 
see ye or he'll sick the dog onto ye. [Ex. into house.] 

Jag". That reform gag fetched her. I'm on the right track. 
The latest fad is reform, and I'll work it. 

Elsie. [Entering from house.] You have letters for me, Mr. 
Thompson? 

Jag. [a] Yes'm, two of 'em. [Hands letters.] The special 
delivery one is all paid for by the stamp. 

Elsie, [a] Oh, is there postage due on the other? 

Jag'. Well, no — not postage ezackly — but I thought the walk 
might be worth somethin'. They hain't no claim, Miss Meeker. 
It's all owin' to whether you think it's worth a nickel. 

Elsie. [Laughing.] To be sure it is. Why, this is from Harry 
and this from Cousin Lou. [Coming down.] 

Jag. Oh, me and the postmaster reckoned they wa'n't no lore 
letters. We knew Harry's writin', and we both 'lowed the other 
was a female letter. Well, I'll be off. [Pause. Fill in business 
here.] I said I must be goin' now. 

Elsie. Oh, excuse me — the nickel. I forgot. [Gives money.] 

Jag*. Thanks. [Aside.] Beer! [Ex. l. u. e. on a dead run.} 

Elsie. [Laughing.] Poor Jaggsy. I suppose I shouldn't 
laugh, but I can't help it. [Laughs. Sits c] 

Will. [Enters l. 2 e.] May I laugh, too. [Lair boolcin hand.] 

Elsie. Why, Will — how you startled me! 

Will. [l. c] I didn't mean to do that — 

Elsie. Oh, there's no harm done. [Makes room and lie sits 
beside tier.] How do you get along with your law? 

Will. It's pretty hard work to labor all day and then read for 
a profession at odd times and at night. 

Elsie. You are ambitious, Will, and I believe you'll succeed. 

Will. Thanks. I am ambitious, Miss Elsie. I have set my- 
self to reach a goal so distant that it almost frightens me to think 
of it. But whatever is worth winning is worth working and 
waiting for. 

Elsie. How soon do you expect to go to Chicago? 

Will. As soon as I have saved two hundred dollars more. 

Elsie. You deserve to succeed, and I only wish I could help 
you. 

Will. You can help me — you do. 



16 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

Elsie. I do? How? 

Will. [Rises.] I dare not explain now. Remember that I 
have set myself to reach a goal so distant that I sometimes grow 
faint-hearted when I try to measure the path I have to climb. 

Elsie. [Rising.] Why, Will, you are talking in riddles. What 
has all that got to do with my helping you ? 

Will. You first inspired me to struggle on, and opened up a 
new path to my ambition. 

Elsie, [r. c. Looking down at ground.] I was interested in 
you, of course. 

Will. [Close to her.] Where others laughed, you appreciated 
the uphill task I had undertaken, and encouraged me. Can't you 
see the inevitable result? I learned to love you — to almost wor- 
ship you as the one good angel — the one true woman in my life. 

Elsie. Why, Will — Mr. Goodall— I never suspected this. 
Please don't think I have intentionally led you to believe I cared 
for you, because — because 

Will. Don't, Elsie — don't say there is no hope for me. 

Elsie. Mr. Goodall— I— 

Will. [Turns.] Not Mr. Goodall, Elsie— say Will, as you 
always have, and the sentence of death to all my hopes will seem 
less cruel from your lips. 

Elsie. [Goes up to him.] Truly, Will, I respect and sympa- 
thize with you. Even more, I admire you for your courage and 
ambition, but I never even thought of you as a lover. 

Will. May I ask just one rude question? 

Elsie. If it is not too rude. 

Will. You shall judge. Is there anybody else? 

Elsie. [Getting away from him.] That is rather personal. 
You mean do I love another man? 

Will. Exactly. 

Elsie. Well, I do. 

Will. Then it is all over with me. [Goes l.] The law may go 
to pot. [Flings book l,.] 

Elsie, [a] Why, Will Goodall, I thought you had more grit 
than that. 

Will. Who is he? I beg your pardon, I have no right to ask. 
[Comes doivn.] 

Elsie. It was dreadfully rude, but I'll answer. [Coming down.] 
I'll also confess that I've been in love with him ever since we 
were children. We were raised together, and I think him the 
handsomest, the most brilliant, the gentlest, the bravest and the 
kindest man I ever knew. Oh, I just think the world of him! 
[Down r. c] 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 17 

Will. [Li. c] Happy fellow. I'd give ten years of my life to 
hear you say that of me. Won't you tell me his name? 

Elsie. I don't think I should. You men do such awful things 
when jealousy inspires you. 

Will. [Goes close to her.] You don't know me, Elsie. I love 
you so truly that should the chance ever come I will be this 
man's friend, if it takes my last dollar or even my life. 

Elsie. Will, you are a good fellow, and I am going to tell you 
his name, no matter what happens. He is — he is — 

Will. Well? 

Elsie. [Gels away from him.] My brother Harry. [Runs 
into house, laughing.] . 

Will. [Crossing l.] I guess the law hadn't better got to pot 
just yet. f^/cA'.s up book and ex. l. 2 e.] 

Elsie. [Re-enters, watch ing h im off.] Who'd ever have thought 
of Will Goodall being in love with me? He's ever so much nicer 
than Mr. Smarden, too — ugh! That man's very name gives me 
the creepies. [Goes c. and sits.] Now, which shall I open first? 
Cousin Lou's — I'll save up the good things till the last. [Opens 
letter and 7'eads.] 

"My Dear Elsie:— I don't want you to think mean of me, be- 
cause what I am doing is my duty and for his good." Now, who 
on earth is he'/ That's just like Lou — she always gets everything 
all mixed up. "I thought better to write you than Uncle Ezra 
or Aunt Maria, because you always have so much influence with 
him." Well, who is him? ''Mrs. Brown says he has been drink- 
ing hard and staying out nights till all hours, and her boarders 
are all quiet folks, and she thinks he has something on his mind 
and it drives him to drink, and the other boarders won't stand it 
much longer." Well, isn't that lucid? a So I think you had bet- 
ter have him home for a time and get him to tell his troubles and 
make him swear off liquor. So no more at present from Lou." 
Why — she means — oh, nonsense— she can't mean Harry. Our 
Harry drink? Impossible! [Nervously opens the other letter.] 
Perhaps this will explain. [Reads.] "My Dear Sister: — You 
will no doubt be surprised when I tell you that I am in an awful 
fix. I know you will despise me. I got in with a fast lot of fel- 
lows, Sis, and between drinking and the races I have dropped 
$200 more than I have earned, and I can't keep the shortage hid- 
den beyond the first of the month. I am coming home to see 
what I can do with father or Davis, but had to write and tell 
you first. Don't hate me, Sis. I have been weak and wicked, 
but if I get out of this I will never taste liquor again as long as I 
live. Harry." 



18 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

My brother a defaulter — a thief! Oh, Harry, Harry, how could 
you do it, how could you? [Weeps. Will re-enters.] 

Will. [l. c. Aside.] This is my fault. I was too abrupt and 
frightened her. [Aloud.] Don't cry, Elsie. It shames me to see 
you in tears and to know that my own lack of self-control has 
caused them. Come, dry your eyes — a hired man isn't worth 
crying over, anyway. 

Elsie. It isn't your fault, Will. It isn't you who have broken 
my heart, but the one I loved and had such faith in. Oh, Harry, 
Harry! 

Will. What, your brother in trouble? Won't you tell me all 
about it and let me help him? 

Elsie. No. No, Will — I couldn't tell you ; you couldn't help him. 
He doesn't deserve help — he has been wicked, wicked. 

Will. Don't say that — you don't know how strong his tempta- 
tion may have been. Come, tell me what the trouble is. 

Elsie". I couldn't tell you this— I couldn't bear even to let 
father or mother know — then how could I expose his degradation 
to a stranger? 

Will. [Sitting beside her.] Believe me, two heads are better 
than one, so let me help you— let me help him. 

Elsie. I must bear this sorrow alone. 

Will. As you wish, but if there is anything I can do, don't 
hesitate to let me know. Nothing could give me so much pleas- 
ure as to make you happy. 

Elsie. You are too good, too kind to me, Will. I don't de- 
serve it. 

Will. It is not your fault that I fell in love with you, Elsie, 
but my misfortune. And yet, even if I could control my fate and 
had the past few months to live over again, I would still love you. 

Elsie. I am sorry, Will — sorry, sorry — but I can give you no 
encouragement. 

Will. I know it. That is why I am going to Chicago to-mor- 
row night. 

Elsie. Oh, Will, I am driving you away. 

Will. It will be better for both of us. [Rising.] I am going 
to enter the law school and trust to hard work to carry me 
through. 

Elsie. [Rises ] You are brave, Will — and I shall pray for your 
[gives her hand] success. There — we are true friends now — God 
bless you. 

Will. [Conducts Iter to house.] God bless you, dear. [Ex. 
Elsie into house.] Oh, if I only had the right to take her to my 
heart and comfort her. [Crossing to c] I wonder what that 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 19 

boy has done? Something serious, I expect. I'll have to hunt 
him up as soon as I get to the city. [Loin Davis enters hurriedly 
l. u. e. Comes doivn c] 

Lem. Hello, young feller, where's your boss? 

Will, [c ] If you mean Mr. Meeker, he's about the place, 
somewhere. 

Lem. [r. o.] That's just who I do mean. Git a slide on you 
now and tell hirn I want him. I'm Lem Davis, see? 

Will. I know who you are. The other night I helped to carry 
Jaggsy Thompson home dead drunk after you threw him into the 
street and cut a gash in his head against the curbing. 

Lem. Suppose I did? What business is it of yours, anyway? 

Will. I'd mighty soon make it my business if I were mayor of 
this town. 

Lem. Is that so? Well, you just keep your hand on your 
mouth till you are mayor, and then you can commence shootin' 
it off. See? Now git a hump on ye and tell old man Meeker I 
want him. [Crosses l.] 

Will. If you want Mr. Meeker you'd better go and look for 
him. [Goes a little up c] 

Lem. Huh! Suppose you're another of the temperance push 
that thinks its runnin' this town. Well, we've got the mayor and 
all kinds of money to buy votes next election. You can't down 
the saloon in this berg. See? 

Will. Give it rope enough, and by its own arrogant corruption 
the saloon will down itself. It will force into active opposition 
every citizen with a spark of decency, manhood or patriotism in 
him. 

Lem. Oh, rats! 

Will, [a] Thousands of men who are neither prohibitionists 
nor total abstainers are arraying themselves against it because 
they see that it is the saloon that leads our boys astray, blights 
the lives of our young men, breaks up happy homes and brings 
down grey hairs in shame and sorrow to the grave. It makes 
widows weep and orphans mourn. It condemns women and chil- 
dren to suffer the pangs of hunger and shiver with bitter cold. 
It dominates and corrupts our politics, defies our laws and makes 
thieves of honest men. It is the central plague spot from which 
radiates every dread disease that afflicts the body politic; begin- 
ning with debauchery and ending with murder, suicide and 
death. They see that the saloon, which by some of its apologists 
has been called the poor man's club, is, in fact, the poor man's 
pitfall. It makes the rich richer and the poor poorer by filching 
from the pockets of those who can least afford it millions of hard- 



20 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

earned dollars every year. It is the devil's workshop, impurity's 
chief agent and the headquarters of crime and criminals. 

Lem. Say, you're too smart. What you want is a good slap on 
the mouth. 

Will* No, I don't — and you don't want to give it to me, either. 

Lem. Just you lip me a little more and I'll give you a push in 
the face that'll make you see stars. 

Will. Don't try to bulldoze me. I know you thoroughly — 
you and your kind— one-half fawning cringe to the man who has 
money to spend, and the other half impudent bully to the man 
you think you may safely browbeat. 

Lem. Say, you're lookin' for tight — you'll get it. [Strikes at 
Will, who avoids the blow and counters, landing on the chest. 
Lem spins around a couple of times and falls in a heap just as 
Ezra enters, r. i. e. Will goes l,.] 

Ezra. [At entrance.] You don't say so! Time! Why, what 
you tryin' to do, Lem? Tired of standin'up? Or are you just 
measurin' yourself for a new grave? 

Lem. [c. Rising.] I'll show him. [Ezra holds him.] Let 
me go— let me go, I tell ye. I'll do that mug if I never do an- 
other thing. 

Ezra. Hold on, Lem — hold on now. What's all the row about, 
anyhow? 

Lem. His temperance joblots there first insults me about my 
business and then soaks me when my back is turned for cracking 
back at him. 

Ezra. [k. c] What have you got to say to this, Bill? 

Will, [i- corner.] That he lies. I only stopped him in self- 
defense. 

Ezra. There's no harm done, anyway, so you go round to the 
shed, Bill, and chop some wood for the old woman to get dinner 
with. [Crosses l.] 

Lem. [As Will ci-osses R.] Say, young feller, the next time you 
eeo me cornin' you'd best have on your runnin' shoes. See? [Spits.] 

Will. [Stops at entrance.] Yelping curs don't often bite. 

[Ex. R. i. E.] 

Lem. Say, Ezra, who is that duck? [Crossing to Ezra.] 

Ezra. Bill Goodall. Been with me four months, and this is 
the first time I ever saw his rough side. 

Lem. I'll not forget him. Well, what do you suppose brings 
me here? 

Ezra. [Looks around cautiously.] To pay me my share of the 
business, I suppose. 

Lem. Well, I didn't. It's about this here temperance epi- 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 21 

demic This crazy Smarden, Soper and the rest of the executive 
committee have the mayor's ear. 

Ezra. You don't say so? Did he give it to 'em or only loan it? 

Lem. They re holdin' a confab at the town hall right now, and 
lorn Barton has been called before 'em. 

Ezra. You don't say so. 

Lem. Well, I do say so, and at the meetin' this mornin' Smar- 
den said our saloon had to go if they had to start it with dyna- 
mite. I'm afraid they'll blow me up. 

Ezra. < They won't blow nothin' only their bazoo. [Crosses to 
a and sits.] . They wanted me to throw you out, but I told 'em 

Lem. Then you don't think they'll do no dynamitin' or white- 
cappin ? 

Ezra. Not a bit of it. This is only one of them spazzums 
folks gits onto 'em every once in so often. This temperance 
spouter has 'em all hypnotized, but he'll soon wear out 

Lem. I haven't saw that skate yet, [Sits beside Ezra.] 

Ezra. You shouldn't say "I haven't saw," Lem; that hain't 
grammar. You should say "I haven't sawn." But you'll see him 
-he abound to stop in and wrastle with you. He tackled me 
tins mornin'. Say, wouldn't the drys have a fit if they knew we 
were pardners? J 

Lem. Your wife wouldn't do a thing to you, would she? Say 
Ezra, there s mighty strong talk of whitecappin' me, and if they 
knew we was pardners, you'd git it sure. [Rises.] 

Ezra. Well, they won't know, if you don't tell 'em. [Rises ] 

Tom. [Entering l. u. e.] Howdy, fellers-heard the news? 
[Crosses toe. and comes dozen.] 

Ezra. No— what's the row? 

drys " 1 ' [D ° Wn °' ] The may ° r ' S d ° ne thG fl ° P act OVGr to the 

Ezra. You don't say so! [r. c. Lem. is l. c] 

Tom. He's give me orders to close out Lem, here, and stick 
every blind pig in town, besides runnm' out the gamblers 

Ezra. 1 ou don't say so. 

Tom. That's what I said and what he said, too. [To Lem] 
Mayor Spraddhn says you've got to close up instanter, which 
means right off, to once, and no monkeyin' 

Ezra. Yon d 

Tom. I do say so. 

Lem. [l. c] AH right. I'll close. 

Ezra. Front door and back? 

Tom. Front door and back. 



22 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

Ezra. Old Spraddlin's a condemned eejit— that's what he is. 
How does he s'pose the boys is goin' to git a drink? 

Tom. They'll have to tackle the boot leg, I reckon. 

Lem. Oh, I've got things all fixed. They can't freeze me out. 
Here, Tom. [Gives' note.] 

Tom. What's this for? 

Lem. Cigars. 

Tom. A ten spot! Thanks. [Puts money in pocket.] 

Lem. And don't you go to the Dutchman's for your smokes. 
You keep away from there, and when you see any of the good 
boys, tell 'em to slip down the Dutchman's back stairs into the 
basement and theyJre liable to find me entertainin' the push with 
pop and sich. [Goes a little up l,] Do you catch on? 

Tom. Well, do I? [Goes up.] 

Zaeh. [Enters l. u. e.] What are you doing here Barton? 
[£7pc. He comes down. Maria, Elsie and Will re-enter. Mar. 
and Elsie stand at door. Will stays at r. i. e.] 

Tom. Mayor Spraddlin' told me to close up Lem Davis, and 
as he wasn't at the saloon, I followed him here to give him fair 
warnin'. 

Zacli. [Recognizes Lem and starts.] It was your duty to ar- 
rest all you found in the groggery and run the liquor into the 
gutter. 

Mar. Right, Brother Smarden, right. So the mayor is on our 
side at last! Praise the Lord! 

Zach, [c] Amen to that, Sister Meeker. The glorious wave 
of reform has started to roll, and we'll never let it stop until this 
town is washed clean from every vice and villainy, [r. c] 

Ezra. [Sitting c] You don't say so. See here, Smarden, 
'pears to me you're settin' up to be mayor, city council, sheriff, 
chief of police, judge, jury, and the hull thing. [Drops down to 
l. corner.] 

Zacli. [r. c] It is my mission to purge this community of all 
that is corrupt. [Pickles enters r. i. e. Tom is l. c] 

Lem. Then you'd better start in with yourself. You are 
Zachariah Smarden, are ye? Well, before you shaved them 
whiskers, when I was a guard at Fort Madison penitentiary, 
you went by the name of Jim Cooke, otherwise Jim the Penman, 
and you was doin' a three-years' stretch for forgery. [Points at 
him. All start in surprise. Zacli. appears terrified.] 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 23 







* 








* 
Maria. 


Ziich. 


* 
Lein. 


* 


* 

il 


Elsie. 

* 

I. Pickles. 






Tom. 

* 

Ezra. 



Picture. Quid' curtain, 



ACT II. 

[Kitchen at Meeker's. Plain chamber in 3d grooves. Boxed 
scene. Doors r. 3 e. and l. 2 e. and r. in flat. Hat rack on flat 
near door. Window l. in flat. Kitchen dresser r. against 
scene. Table tip stage c. ivith ironing board extending from it to 
chair l. Clothes horse with ironing on it, clothes basket, rough 
dry clothes, etc. Two chairs r. Backer l. c. At rise Maria and 
Pickles ironing. Ezra and Elsie down r. playing checkers at 
small table. Will and Harry ^.packing valise.] 

Ezra. [l. of table. Moving piece.] I'm into kingdom come. 
Put a crown on that one, Elsie. [They plan throughout scene.] 

Mar. [Up a] Ezra Meeker, if you'd on'y read your Bible a 
little more and play them sinful games a little less, mebbe you 
would get into kingdome come sure 'miff. 

Ezra. I hain't a-hankerin' for kingdom come —not jest this 
minute, Mariar. I've kinder got used to bein' on earth. 

Mar, And mebbe it 'ud be give to you to see a light and quit 
sendin' immortal souls to the bad place by selling 'em liquor. 

Ezra You don't say so. 

Mar. [Slamming down iron.] Yes, I do say so. I hold it 
ain't nothin' more nor less than bein' pardners with Lem Davis 
when you rent to him, and they'll be a judgment onto ye yet— 
you'll see. 

Ezra. You don't say so. 

Mar. See here, Ezra Meeker, you've a'most pestered me to 
death ever since you got aholt of that slang, ''You don't say so." 
Now you quit it or I'll throw somepin' at you as sure's you're a 
foot high. 

Ezra. You don't say so. 

Mar. [Throwing flat iron.] Yes I do say so. 

Ezra. It's a good thing your strenth wa'n't as good's your will, 
or you'd a flattened me out sure. They hain't no call to git go 
all-fired ironical. 



24 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

Mar. [Coming down a] Served you right if I'd abroke your 
head or mashed your bunions. 

Ezra. A bunion or a pertater's about the only thing you can 
mash, Mariar. 

Mar. Hain't heard tell of any weemin' goin' to the asylum on 
your account, Ezra. 

Ezra. If you don't quit your naggin' they'll be one poor man 
go there on your account. You're just about the henpeckinest 
old henpecker that ever a henpecked man got henpecked by — 
them's your specifications. 

Mar. You're a fool, that's what you are. [Goes up, after pick- 
in y up iron.] 

Ezra. Then there's a pair of us, so it's a stand-off. [Continues 
game with Elsie. Mar. irons viciously. Pickles busy all the 
time.] 

Will. [l. Strapioing valise.] Thanks — that fixes it. I'm sorry 
I won't see more of you, but I must go tonight. 

Har. [l. c] I'd hate to take that night's ride and sit up. 

Will. I've got to do it to keep down expenses. [Both sit.] By 
the way, there is something I've been trying to say to you all 
evening, but I don't know how to begin. It might seem imperti- 
nent in a stranger. 

Har. Well, as I don't like impertinence, perhaps you'd better 
not begin at all. 

Will. And yet I take a lot of interest in you. 

Har. Thanks — that's so good of you. 

Will. Don't get sarcastic, there's a good fellow. This matter 
is more important to you than to me. 

Har. What are you driving at? 

Will. After your sister read your letter the day before yester- 
day, she nearly cried her eyes out. 

Har. What has that got to do with you? 

Will. I am a good deal interested in her, also. 

Har. Yes — I've noticed that — I admire your nerve. 

Will. See here, don't act like a young jackass. Don't you see 
that I want to befriend you? 

Har. I didn't ask you for friendship. I can handle my own 
business, thank you. 

Will. I don't believe you can. Elsie told me you were in a 
scrape. 

Har. [Angrily raising voice.] So she had to blab, eh? 
[Rises.] 

Ezra. [Looks up from game.] Some gal bein' tellin' on ye, 
Harry? You might 'a' expected that, for no female woman can 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 25 

keep a secret any more'n your maw can keep her temper. Who's 
the gal? 

Har. Oh, its nothing, father. I was annoyed for a moment, 
that's all. 

Will. Control yourself — sit down again [Will sits] — I am bound 
to finish, now that I have begun. Elsie refused to tell me the 
nature of your trouble, but judging from your sudden visit home 
and the suppressed excitement you show, you are not out of it 
yet. Won't you tell me all about it and let me help you? 

Har. See here, Mr. Goodall, your taking an interest in Sis is 
all right. If she and the folks like it I have nothing to say. But 
when that interest extends to me, I have. I'm of age, and don't 
want anybody prying into my affairs. 

Will. Excuse me. I'm sorry I spoke. [Rises.] 

Har. You're not mad, I hope? 

Will. Oh, no— but I'm sorry you should think that vulgar 
curiosity was my motive. 

Har. Sit down again — come, sit down, Bill. I didn't mean to 
act so ugly about it. I see now that you are talking to me on ac- 
count of Sis. 

Will. [Sits down.] You've guessed it. 

Har. What is there between you? 

Will. Nothing. 

Har. Now I'm sorry I spoke. 

Will. There is nothing but friendship between us — not even 
an understanding. 

Har. Say, there's one thing I like about you — you look 
straight at a man, and I don't believe you'd go back on a friend. 

Will. Never. 

Har. Well, don't let on you know, even to Sis, and I'll tell you 
what the trouble is. 

Will. I promise. 

Har. I'm in an awful hole. I am short in my cash nearly two 
hundred dollars, and if I don't raise the money by the first of the 
month I'll be found out. 

Will. That's bad. Your time is short — as well as your cash. 

Har. Just so; but I'm pretty sure to get enough from the old 
man if I can catch him in the right humor. If not, I think Davis 
will lend it to me. 

Will. I'd hate to be under an obligation to him. 

Har. Same here, but he's my last chance. 

Will. Suppose he won't lend it to you ? 

Har. I might as well jump into the river at once. I am 



26 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

bonded with a guarantee company that makes a feature of prose- 
cuting every defaulter. 

"Will. It's a bad scrape. That would ruin you just as you are 
starting in life, and break Elsie's heart. I'll tell you what— if 
everything else fails, come to me and I'll help you through. 

Har. [Rises.] You help me through? 

"Will. [Rises.] Yes, I. I have a little money that, as a last 
resource. I can draw on. 

Har. Bill, you are a thundering good fellow, and you must be 
awfully in love with Sis to do this for me. [Sliakes hands.] 

Will. Put it down to Elsie. Now, boy [lays hand on his 
shoulder], I don't want to preach, but for heaven's sake, for Elsie's 
sake, let this be a' lesson to you. 

Har. If it hadn't been for the saloon and the race track it 
never would have happened, Bill. I give you my word I'll never 
handle a card, bet on a horse or touch another drop of liquor as 
long as I live. 

Will. [Shaking hands.] Stick to that, my boy— stick to it 
for your sister's sake. You don't know what an awful blow it 
w T ould be to her if you should go to the bad. I never saw a girl 
so completely wrapped up in a brother. 

Har. She's a dear, good girl, Bill, and the man who gets her 
will bo in big luck. 

Will. I'll break the tenth commandment when she marries. 

Har. Oh no, you won't; for a man can't covet what's his own. 

"Will. There isn't much chance of that, I'm afraid. 

Mar. [c. Ironing.] Pickles says they's a heap of whitecap 
talk uptown, Ezra. 

Ezra. You don't say so. 

Pickles. [In front of clothes horse l. c] Sure. The saloon 
crowd is telling it that they is a gang made up to whip the 
dickens outen the leadin' wets; and the drys, they are goin' 
round blowin' about judgments and things that's goin' to happen 
soon. 

Ezra. [Rises and goes c] You don't say so. Where'd you 
hear all this, Pickles? 

Pick. [Coming down c] Pop told me. He's been doin' er- 
rants for Deacon Soper ever since he reformed, and the Deacon 
he up and told him this afternoon that they'd tired prayin' liquor 
out of town, and it didn't work, so now they was goin' to try 
whippin' it out. Then he sorter invited Pop to jine the Heroes 
of Temperance and Pop, he agreed until the Deacon told him to 
call round tonight for his blacksnake w 7 hip and git ready for 
business. 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 21 

Ezra. What did your Pop do then? 

Pick. Took to the woods. I see him when he was makin' a 
break for tall timber. [Goes a little l. laughing. Ezra laughs.] 

Mar. [Comes down c. with iron in hand.] Well, it's time. 
They've let the other crowd trample onto 'em long enough. Tem- 
perance folks is gittin' some spunk into 'em at last. 

Ezra. [r. c] Some temperance folks '11 be gittin' a few holes 
into 'em, or gittin' into the penitentiary, fust thing they know. 

Mar. Tc] They's got to be martyrs to every cause. Look at 
the early Christians. Didn't Julius Caesar and George the Third 
chase 'em into a theater and feed 'em to the wild beasts? That's 
why Christians has been down on the theater ever since. [Crosses 
and sits l. of table. Fans herself with apron.] 

Ezra. [r. c] I wish I had your edication, Mariar. I'd know 
more about the early Christians than I do; but, see here, do you 
hold with this here whitecap business? [Sits r. of table.] 

Mar. I hold with anythin' that'll put down lawbreakers. 

Ezra. [Talking over his shoulder.] Then you don't reckon it 
lawbreakin' to drag a man outen his bed and lick seven kinds of 
tar outen him, hey? 

Mar. Not if it's done in a Christian spirit, it ain't. Oh, I just 
wisht I was a man! 

Ezra. [Turns squarely round on his chair.] I wish to the 
Lord you was, Mariar, afore I ever see you. Say, who writ that 
letter I got this afternoon? 

Mar. I don't know nothin' about your letter. [Goes up stage.] 

Ezra. Then how did it git onto the kitchen table? It's ad- 
dressed to me, and it hain't got no stamp on nor nuthin'. 

Mar. You'd best go and ast them as put it there. [Ironing.] 

Ezra. I'm astin' you. 

Mar, Oh, go and find out. 

Ezra. It'll be a cold day for somebody when I do find out. 

Mar. And you'll have a hot time doin' it. 

Ezra. You don't say so. [Makes move in game.] Ha, ha, ha! 
[To Elsie.] I've got you cornered now. Ha, ha, ha! [Elsie rises.] 

Mar. [Mocks him.] You don't say so. Ha, ha, ha! [Throws 
flatiron.] 

Ezra. [Jumps.] Look a-here, Mariar, ef you must have exer- 
cise you'd best light the lantern and go out and heave rocks at 
the barn. 

Mar. [Picking up iron.] You never could argey without get- 
tin' mad. That's why I despise talkin' to ye. Pickles, git me a 
hot iron. 

Pickles. Yes, ma'am. [Ex. r.]« 



28 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

Ezra. [Goes up to Mar.] You claim you don't know nothin' 
about this? [Shows letter.'] 

Mar. You can't prove anythin' by me. [Looks off r. door.] 
There's that young one playin' with the fire again. Pickles, you 
young limb of satan, what do you mean by that? [Ex. r. d.] 

Har. What is the letter about, father? [Sound of slapping. 
Pickles bawls off.] 

Ezra. Whitecaps. I hain't got my glasses, but you can read 
it. Read it out loud. [Comes down l. Hands letter.] 

Har. "Ezra Meeker — Y T ou are warned to turn Lem Davis out 
of your building immediately, because he is using the premises 
for an unlawful purpose. If you do not give some assurance that 
you intend to do your duty as a good citizen in this matter before 
evening you may expect an early visit from Whitecaps," 

Elsie. Oh, father, what did you do? 

Ezra. [i* c] Loaded both bar 'Is of the shot gun. 

Will. They haven't come yet, at all events. [Re-enter Mar.] 

Ezra. You bet they hain't, the cowardly yaller dogs; they 
don't dast to come. They think they can scare me. 

Mar. [Up c] Don't you be too sure about that, Ezra Meeker. 
Old Abe Carter, over to Clark's Corners, hain't been out of bed 
since, they tell me. 

Ezra. They'll know they hain't monkeyin' with old Abe Carter 
if they ever tackle their Uncle Ezra. Old man Carter never fit 
into the war four year. I did. Oh, Bill, did you remember to 
git that dynamite? 

Will. Y r es. I put it under the loose .board, by the manger, 
where you told me. 

Ezra. How much was it? [Har. drops down to l. corner.] 

Will. [l. c] Fifty cents. 

Ezra. I'll settle that when I pay you up, bime-bye. I wisht 
you'd make up your mind to stop over to-morrow and help me 
blow out them stumps. I'm skeered to handle the pesky stuff. 
[Crosses r.] 

Will. I can't. I'm all packed up and my trunk is over at the 
depot. I have no working clothes in this valise. 

Ezra. [Sits-in rocker r. c] Oh, I'll find you an old pair of 
pants an' a shirt. Come, now, say you'll stop over and I'll give 
you a dollar fifty for your day. That'll help pay your fare to 
Chicago. 

Elsie. [Crosses l. Aside to him.] Please, Will, stay. I may 
need your help for Harry. 

Will. [Aside to Elsie.] For your sake — anything. [Elsie goes 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 29 

to Harry, l. corner.] Very well— I'll stay and help you out. I 
might need a good turn myself, some time. 

Ezra. That's the talk. Say, if them whitecaps come round 
tonight they'll be a circus. Eh, Bill? 

Will. I expect there will. Mind you, I'm against the saloon, 
but I am equally against mob rule. 

Mar. [Coming down c] Brother Smarden saye we've got to 
rule the saloon or let the saloon rule us, and it's gotten such a 
holt on us that it '11 take a revolution to make it let go. He 'lows 
that saloon rule is wus'n British rule, and we don't ever notice no 
one regrettin' that we revoluted agin' King George. That's what 
Brother Smarden says. 

Ezra. You don't say so. Brother Smarden had better clear 
himself of the charges Lem Davis makes agin' him before he sets 
up to preach or teach decent folks their dooty. 

Mar. Sho! Who'd believe Lem Davis— a saloonkeeper ? 

Ezra. Me for one. I've did business with Lem for goin' on 
four year, and I hain't found him out in a lie or a dishonest action 
yet, if he is a saloonkeeper. [Will, Harry and Elsie group l. as 
if talking.] ' 

Mar. Well, he's lied this time, and Brother Smarden's letters 
of recommend shows it. 

Ezra. Oh, have it your own way, Mariar — you most generally 
do. Smarden's an angel, that's what Smarden is. He'd be a 
bird only he hain't got wings. [Maria goes up and irons.] I 
hear that you folks up to the church is thinkin' of givin' him a 
call as soon as you succeed in starvin' the present pasture out. 

Mar. The Rev. Balmer's as good a man as ever lived, but he's 
too old-fashioned and hain't got no drawin' powers, so the con- 
gregation's dwindlin' fast, and we need a change in the pulpit. 
He hain't been pop'lar for a long time now. 

Ezra, No — hain't been pop'lar ever since he got married to 
Martha Strong. He pleased Marm Strong and made a mortial 
enemy of every other mother in the hull caboodle that had 
daughters, to say nothin' of the marryin' widders. Pickles, light 
the lantern and bring it here. [Ex. Pickles R-l 

Mar. Well, I never could make out what he seen in that stuck 
up Strong girl. / 

Ezra. Mebbe it was her strenth. 

Mar. Now, Pickles hurry up. I want you to help me put the 
ironin' away. [Buss. of carrying off the washing and ironing 
board, all except what hangs on the clothes horse, r. door.] As 
soon as I'm through, Elsie, we'll run over to Deacon Soper's for a 
minute. Would you like to go, Harry? 



30 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

liar,, No, mother, I'm tired after my trip; and, besides, I want 
to talk to father a bit. [Pickles re-enters with lighted lantern. 
Maria ex. r. with clothes basket.] 

Ezra, [Goes up r. Taking lantern.] All right, sonny, I'll be 
back in a few minutes. Oh. Bill, come out as far as the barn. 
[Bill goes up to him. Aside.] I want to fix up apian incase 
them whitecaps does show up. [Opens door in flat.] Phew! Say, 
Bill, do you smell anything? 

Bill. Whew! I should say I did. There's a skunk around 
'here, some place. 

Ezra. After them chickens, by gracious. Come on, Bill. [Ex. 
with Bill d. i. f., leaving it open.] 

Mar. [Re-entering r.] Whew! Land of Goshen! Shut that 
door, Pickles; shut it quick or we'll all be smothered alive. [Sees 
to closing door, and ex. r. with Pickles.] 

Elsie, [c] Have you made up your mind to tell father, Harry? 

Har. [l,.] Not till I've tried everything else. Oh, sister, I'm 
so ashamed and penitent! 

Elsie. How do you propose to get the money from him? 

Har. [Gotng to her.] I'll tell him I know of a good invest- 
ment for two hundred dollars that will pay him two per cent a 
month for seven months. It will only leave me six dollars a 
week, but I can live on that. 

Elsie. But would it be honest? 

Har. Of course. It is big interest, and you know how he 
loves a dollar. He'll jump at the chance. 

Elsie. You had better confess everything and start anew. 
Concealment is sure to make more trouble, and, besides, if he 
gave you the money, and you should lose your position 

Har. Oh, pshaw! You girls don't understand business. 
[Crosses r.] We've got to take some risks. I have Davis to fall 
back on, and if he fails Bill Goodall has promised to help me. 

Elsie. Will Goodall! Then you have told him? 

Har. While you were playing checkers. He was so kind that 
I couldn't help it. I say, Sis, he's awfully fond of you. [Will 
re-enters.] 

Elsie. Hush — here he is. [Goes l.] 

Mar. [At r. door.] Elsie Meeker, where on earth is your nose? 
Go and close them winders in your paw's room, for goodness sake. 
That critter's just smellin' the hull house up. [Ex. r. door. Elsie 
ex. l,. door. Window heard to slam. She re-enters at once.] 

Har. [r.] Did you kill it? 

Will. [Dozen c] No. I had my best clothes on and wouldn't 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 31 

run any risk. But your father is laying for it with a club. 

Har. I don't envy him his job. 

Mar. [Calls, off.] Oh, Harry, come and see if you can git this 
winder down, it's stuck. 

Har. All right, mother, I'll fix it. [Ex. k. d. Hammering 
heard and slamming of windoiv.] 

Elsie, [a] Will, I want to thank you. 

Will. [Sitting l. of table.] For what? 

Elsie. For the sacrifice you are prepared to make. Harry has 
told me, and I know what it means. If he is unable to get this 
money you intend to give him your savings, and deny yourself 
the schooling for which you have struggled so long and hard. 

Will. Not deni/ myself the schooling — only postpone it — for 
Harry will pay me back every cent as quickly as possible. The 
boy is honest, but he has been led away by bad company. 

Elsie. It is still a great sacrifice. It would be a generous, a 
noble thing to do for your own brother; and Harry is a stranger 
to you. 

Will. Now, don't say another word. He will most probably 
get the money from your father, and in that case all your thanks 
will be entirely thrown away. 

Elsie. No — your intention is just the same. [Goes a little r.] 
Oh, Will, I know you are doing this for my sake, and it makes 
me feel mean and contemptible that I can only give you grati- 
tude in return. 

Will. Believe me, Elsie, if I thought your love could be bought 
with a price like this I would not pay it. [Rises.] 

Elsie, [r. c] I hoped you would feel that way about it— in- 
deed, I knew you would. I shall always look upon you as my 
dearest friend. 

Will. And I shall always look upon you as my dearest — well, 
no matter what; but the reflection that while there is life there 
is hope is a cheering one. 

Elsie. Truly, Will, I do not wish to wound you, but it will be 
wiser to forget me. You will find some one more worthy of you 
and with whom you can be happy. 

Will. There is but one woman in the world for me, and if I 
don't win her it will not be my fault. [Takes her hand.] May I 
keep on trying? May I, Elsie? 

Elsie. Ouch! I have a sore finger on that hand — would you 
mind using the other? [Harry re-enters.] 

Will. Oh, I beg your pardon. [Takes the other hand.] 

Har. [C7pR.] Mother wants you, Elsie. [Will crosses hur- 
riedly to c] Oh, excuse me — I didn't mean to intrude. 



32 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

Elsie. You are not intruding — not in the least. [Ex. r. door 
in a pet.] 

Har. [Conies downi] I say, Bill, that looked like remarkably 
close friendship. 

Will, [a] That is all it amounts to. She cares nothing for 
me, and has just told me so. [Crosses r.] 

Ezra. [Off d. i. p.] Oh, Bill— Harry— hello— 

Har. [l. c. Calling.] What's the matter, dad, have you killed 
it? [Goes up a little c] 

Ezra. [Sticks head in at door.] Dead as a smelt. But, oh, 
gosh, how lively it smelt after it was dead. Say, no gals around, 
is they? 

Har. No one here but Bill and me. 

Ezra. Then I'll come in. [Enters in a barrel. Comes down 
to l. door.] 

Har. For heaven's sake, dad! What's the matter? 

Ezra. I killed the skunk, but had to bury my clothes. [Ex. 
L. and then sticks head out.] I'll never be able to wear them 
pants again. [Disappears. Same buss.] Bill, you can have that 
coat and vest if you like to dig for 'em. [Same buss.] But, say, 
Bill, I wouldn't disturb them pants if I was you, unless you've 
got your life insured. [Same buss.] Harry, go and ast your maw 
whether she has any musk or ile of peppermint. If she hain't, 
you git me some asafidity and creosote, or even a couple of last 
season's eggs and the kerosene can. Any old smell will be better 
than this. 

Har. I'd better get you a box of lye and a scrubbing brush. 

Ezra. You don't say so. Mebbe I'd better use sapolio. [Ezra 
closes door. Harry goes up and ex. r. laughing.} 

Zacii. [Enters d. i. f. after knocking. Carries umbrella.] 
Good evening. Is Brother Meeker at home? [Coming down.] 

Will. [Downn.] He is. 

Zacii, Will you kindly tell him I'd like to see him? 

Will. [Crosses and knocks at door l.] Mr. Meeker, Mr. Smar- 
den would like to see you. 

Ezra. [Off l. door.] You don't say so. I reckon he'd better 
not just now, unless he's got on blinders. 

Will. [To Zaeh.] He has just killed a skunk, and is cleaning 
up after it. [Goes up.] 

Zaeh. Oh, indeed. I thought I noticed a peculiar odor. I am 
not in any hurry. I'll wait. [Ex. Will R.] 

Mar. [Entering r.] Why, Brother Smarden, what brings you 
here? 

Zaeh. [Down r. c] I have come to make one final plea to 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 33 

Brother Meeker in behalf of Christian morals and public decency. 
I trust we are not overheard? [Sits in rocker.] 

Mar. Oh, no — the doors are shut. [Comes dozen.] 

Zacli. After much prayer and earnest discussion, Sister 
Meeker, it has been given to us that it is the Lord's will that we 
should proceed to aggressive measures. This is a Christian na- 
tion, sister, yet the authorities, for selfish and corrupt ends, refuse 
to maintain the majesty of the people's laws. 

Mar. [a] The very words I said to Ezra not an hour ago. 

Zacli. Therefore, all who obstruct the onward march of reform 
by refusing to give heed to argument, must be compelled to do so 
by force. 

Mar. [Crosses and sits l. of table.] That's Ezra. He can't 
argey. He always gits mad. But he says we'll git into the peni- 
tentiary if they's any whippin's. 

Zacli. Those of us who are sanctified, Sister Meeker, can never 
more commit sin. We are merely instruments in the Lord's 
hands. Why, if you or I should blow up the saloon with gun- 
powder or dynamite it would only be a manifestation of the 
workings of divine providence, and we would run no danger. The 
Lord will protect his chosen instruments. 

Mar. I have my thirds in that saloon propity, and that's what 
hurts my conscience so. If they was to explode it they could 
blow in my share and welcome. 

Zacli, Noblewoman! Ah, Sister Meeker, yours is one of the 
loveliest characters I have ever known. If all Christians were as 
full of earnest faith our beloved country would not this night be 
groaning under the heel of the tyrant rum. 

Mar. I'm one of them what believes in works as well as words. 
[Hitching her el/air closer.] Now, say, supposin' I touched off a 
dynamite cattridge under that place myself — hain't I got a right 
to? It's partly mine. 

Zacli. If the spirit moved you to do so you would be justified. 
It is clear that the Lord intends Lem Davis to be driven out of 
this community. 

Mar. Well, they's dynamite out in the barn, and the men are 
goin' stumpin' to-morrer. I reckon I'll kinder watch 'em and see 
how they set it off. 

Zacli. Not of your own free will, sister — only if the spirit 
moves you, after praying for guidance. 

Pickles. [Enters k.] Oh, Miss Meeker, could you come here 
a minute? 

Mar. What is it now? [Rising. Sharply.] Excuse, me, 
Brother Smarden. [Goes up.] 



34 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

Zach. Certainly. [He rises. Ex. Mar. r.] This woman shall 
be the instrument of my revenge. She shall rid me of Lem 
Davis, for one of us must leave town. If he remains it will only 
be a matter of a few clays or weeks until he will be able to prove 
me an impostor. Then farewell to all my dreams of notoriety and 
wealth. I must be prepared for flight — I must have money. 
Money enough to put the sea between me and my past, if need 
be. [Goes up.] 

Ezra. [Entering l.. followed by Harry.] No sir-ree Bob! Let 
you take two hundred dollars without security? I think I see 
myself. [Crossing k.] 

liar. [Following him across.] But, father, it is perfectly 
safe — I will give you my own note. 

Ezra. Who can you git to back it? 

Har. Why— I could get Bill— Bill Goodall— 

Ezra. [Sits in rocker. Laughs.] Say, sonny, the bank would 
not give five cents on the thousand dollars for them two signa- 
tures. No, no — folks that is honest and able to pay their debts 
don't have to pay no twenty-four per cent when its durn hard to 
git six if the security's good. 

Har. [r. c] My friend will lose everything if I don't get the 
money. Won't you let me take it, father? [Very nervous and 
excited.] 

Ezra. Not on your autograph. You hain't responsible or 
you'd have two hundred dollars, and more, saved outen sixty dol- 
lars a month by this time. 

Har. [Aside. Going.] Refused — and I was so certain of it! 
Now for Lem Davis. [E.v. d. i. f.] 

Zach. [Aside.] That boy is in trouble. Two hundred dollars 
is the amount. I'll make a mental note of that. [Aloud.] Good 
evening, Brother Meeker. [Conies down c] 

Ezra. [Gruffly.] Good evenin'. What do you want? 

Zach. To make one final effort in the Lem Davis matter. 

Ezra. You don't say so. Then I tell you candidly you may 
save your words, for my mind's made up. Some of your crowd 
has been writin' me a threatenin' letter, and if I find out who it 
is they'll be trouble. [Rocks himself angrily.] 

Zach. [c] I know nothing about that. 

Ezra. You don't say so. [Rises.] Looks like you'd come 
a-purpose to gimme my last chance afore the whitecaps gits me. 
[Lem enters d. i. p. unseen.] 

Zach. You are quite mistaken. I know nothing about either 
letter or whitecaps. [Goes l.] 

Ezra. [Has been searching among papers taken frompocket. 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 35 

Crosses l. c] Well, there's the letter. [Hands it.] The white- 
caps ain't arrived yet, but you'll mebbe be among 'em when they 
come. 

Zacli. [l. Aside.] Soper's writing, badly disguised. [AloiuL] 
You are doing me a terrible injustice. To prove it I will keep 
this letter, and if anything occurs I will aid the law in running 
down the perpetrators. 

Ezra. You don't say so. Well, I guess not. [Snatches letter.] 
I'll take care of that letter myself. 

Zacll. Your suspicions are absurd. 

Ezra. I wouldn't put it apast you bein' the head of the hull 
conspiracy, for I believe you are jest what Lem Davis says you 
are — a fraud and an imposture. [Crosses R.] 

Zacli. [l,.] Lem Davis shall repent that slander. I am going 
to make him prove his words. [Mar. enters as Lem. comes down 
and drops down l. c] 

Lein. [c. Coming down.] Which he will do as soon as you 
choose. Your pretended references have been written to, and 
answers will git back in a few days along with your photo from 
the rogues' gallery. 

Zacli. I'll give you plenty of chance to produce those letters 
in court, besides answering several other charges. 

Mar. [l,. c] Lem Davis, I want you to git right outen this 
house this minute. There's the door — scoot. [Furiously angry.] 

Ezra, [r.] Stop right where you are, Lemuel; don't pay no 
attention to her at all. This homestead is mine. 

Mar, Don't you believe it. I'm a-runnin' this house, and its 
as much mine as yourn. 

Ezra. [Takes stage. Lem. drops down r. corner.] You've 
been runnin' things round here for the last thirty years, Mariar, 
and your time's up. From this day forth I'm boss — do you hear 
me? I'm boss! 

Mar. [Up to him.] Not while I live, you old sinner, you. 
Ain't you ashamed of yourself, to act like a dog before 

Ezra. Shet up! [Shouting.] Shet up, I tell you. From this 
time forth I don't want to hear nothin' from you but silence. 

Zacli. Let this contention cease. I am the innocent cause of 
it and I will go. Good night, Sister Meeker. I will pray for your 
husband. [Goes up.] 

Ezra. You don't say so. Much obliged. Hold on — don't you 
want your umbrel? [Picks up umbrella. Mar. takes it and hands 
it to Zacli.] Say, you might pray a few for Mariar. I don't know 
anybody 'at needs it wuss. 

Zacli. Get thee behind me, satan. [Ex. d. i. f. Mar. closes 



36 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

door and ex. r. Zach. is seen watching through window during 
entire scene.] 

Lem. 1 came mighty nigh picking that mug up and pitchin' 
lym through the winder. [Sits k. of table.] 

Ezra. Just as well you didn't, Lem. Let all the violence come 
from the other side and then we've got 'em. 

Lem. Mebbe you're right. Well, let's settle up Mar. and 
Elsie enter r. with Will.] 

Ezra. [Sitting at small table r. with Lem.] Hello, where you 
all goin'? 

Elsie. Only over to Deacon Soper's, father. We'll not be long. 
[The three ex. d. i. f.] 

Lem. Over to Soper's, eh? I met a hull crowd of the temper- 
nce push on the way there as I came in. What's up? 

Ezra. Oh, some Bible class or prayer meetin' or kissin' match 
or somethin'. But let's get down to business. [Zach. very atten- 
tive at window.] 

Lem. Well, here's the bills for the month — here's the state- 
ment — and it shows your share to be two hundred and four dol- 
lars and fifty cents. 

Ezra. [Glancing through bills, etc.] You don't say so. And 
them people atchilly think they can make me a dry when I'm 
makin' fifty dollars a week by bein' wet? [Lem. is counting 
money.] Say, Lem, how on earth can you keep bar and. keep 
sober? 

Lem. By letting my customers do all the drinking— I never 
touch it. 

Ezra. You don't say so. You're too smart to run any chances 
with liquor, eh?' Me too. I don't even know the taste of it. 

Lem. And you don't want to learn, neither. Say, I sell whis- 
key, and have sold it all my life, but I'd sooner see that boy of 
mine in his coffin than in front of a bar with a glass of liquor in 
his hand. 

Ezra. Polks 'at drinks is a passel of fools 'at don't know the 
value of money or they wouldn't be so durn reckless in makin' 
themselves poor to make us rich. But somebody is goin' to sell 
liquor so long's it's made, and it might as well be us as some other 
fellers. Eh, Lemuel? 

Lem. Pact — a heap sight better. Here, count this. [Ezra 
counts.] I don't allow no drunks in my place, 'cept Jaggsy, and 
he's bound to git drunk anyhow when he takes the notion. 

Ezra. This is all right. [Gets cashbo.rin dresser drawer b. 
and puis money in it.] I suppose trade has dropped down, since 
the spazzum began, tremenjus. 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 37 

Lem. Well, I should say. All the better element, as they call 
'em, that used to take their toddy on the sly, has quit. 

Ezra. [Putting cash box in drawer of dresser k.] Oh, well, 
they'll all come round again when the reform wave flops back. 

Lem. Sure thing. Well, I'm off. [Rising.] 

Ezra. I'll go a piece of the way with you. [Goes up to d. i f. 
Zacli, disappears.] Mebbe I'll go over to Soper's and kinder nose 
round a bit to see what's goin' on. [Ex. loith Loin. d. i. f. Zacli. 
rut eis D. i. F.] 

Zacli. [Tiptoes to door b. and looks off. Closes door.] The 
girl is sound asleep curled up in a chair. There is not a soul to 
disturb me. [Lays umbrella on table c. Gets cash box.] Now 
if I have a key that will fit. Let me see. [Tries two or three 
keys.] At last. [Opens cash box at table c. and takes money .] 
Now, Lem Davis, do your worst — I am ready to tight or retreat, 
whichever prudence may dictate. [Puts cash box back in drawer. 
Puts money in wallet. Ex. d. i. f.] 

Pickles. [Enters r. rubbing eyes.] I thought I heard some- 
body here — sounded as if they was rattlin' a tin box or unlockin' 
somethin'. Reckon I must a dreamed it. [Comes down.] Oh, I 
wish to gracious I was back in the poor house — it's a picnic com- 
pared to this. The paupers are a nice, sociable crowd. But here 
I'm so dead sleepy by the time I git through my work I can't en- 
joy myself a bit. Reckon I'll go to bed. [Sees umbrella.] Hello, 
Smarden's forgot his umbershoot — ain't it a daisy. [Opens it, 
parades, etc.] I dassen't swipe it, but I'll put it away nice and 
careful in my closet till he comes after it— and I hope he'll forget 
to come. [Closes umbrella. Har. enters d. i. f.] Sakes alive! I 
thought you was over to Deacon Soper's. [Hiding umbrella be- 
hind her.] 

Har. No, I didn't go with them. [Coming down r. c] 

Pick. [l. c] Well, you didn't miss much. I went to one of 
them sociables once to help with supper, and they made soup for 
forty-one head outen two quarts of oysters and a gallon of milk. 
When we served it it was a case of Billy, Billy button, who's got 
the oyster? 

Har. Pretty thin stew, Pickles. 

Pick. Yes, but you ought to a seen the coffee and the ham 
sangwiches. Say, that ham was cut so thin you could see to read 
through it, and the coffee was poorer than I be — Lord knows 
that's poor enough. Well, good night. [Going r.] 

Har, Good night, Pickles. [Ex. Pick. r. He ivalks nervous- 
ly to and fro.] Everything is against me. The saloon is closed 



38 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

and Lem is nowhere to be found. I'm as nervous as a cat. [Will 
enters d. i. p.] 

Will. Hello, Harry. 

Har. [l. c. Startled.] What — you here, Bill? I thought you 
went to the sociable. 

Will. [Coining dozen.] So I did, but I sneaked away again, 
so as to have a grind at the law of evidence. Why didn't you go? 

Har. I went to see Davis. Dad has refused to help me. 

Will. [jk. c.down.] How about Davis? 

Har. The saloon is closed, so I didn't see him. I tell you 
what, I'm desperate! 

Will. Don't give up. Have a good sleep and get after him to- 
morrow. 

Har. A good sleep? I haven't had that in two weeks. That's 
what makes me so nervous. Well, I'm going upstairs. 

Will. All right, I'm going to read. [Ex. Har. l. i. e. Gets 
law book, which is held in vedise strap.] How queer he looked — 
as if he had been caught doing something. I don't think he'll be 
apt to go astray again. His conscience troubles him too much 
and he'll never forget how it feels to be guilty of a crime and on 
the verge of exposure. [Sits l. of table down l,. and opens book. 
Ezra enters d. i. p.] 

Ezra. Hello, Bill — got home early, didn't ye? 

Will. Yes; it w r as pretty slow, and I thought I could use the 
time to better advantage. I don't believe Mrs. Meeker'll stay 
very long, either. 

Ezra. Why so? [Coming down r. c] 

Will. Oh, Mrs. Balmer was there, of course, and they hadn't 
been together five minutes before she did or said something that 
put Mrs. Meeker in a temper. She would have come home right 
away if Elsie hadn't persuaded her that it would look bad. 

Ezra. I swan, to see them two weemin together is more fun'n 
a cat fight. Well, seein's you're here and I got the money mebbe 
we'd better settle up. How much is comin' to you? [Going up 
to dresser.] 

Will. There was a balance of seven dollars for last month and 
fifty cents for the dynamite— twenty-seven fifty — that squares us. 

Ezra. [Stops and turns half way up.] Hold on. Bill — hold on. 
I have an offset agin' that. 

Will. I don't remember it. 

Ezra. [Coming down a little.] Don't you remember the four- 
teen cents I paid for your laundry and the two stamps I loaned 
you? [Mar. and Elsie enter d. f. and come down l. c] 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 39 

Will. Why, yes— I had forgotten about that eighteen cents. 
But there's a dollar fifty for to-morrow. 

Ezra. A dollar fifty? Didn't I say a dollar, Bill? 

Will. Indeed you didn't. 

Ezra. I thought I said a dollar. 

Elsie. [l.J No, father— it was a dollar fifty. I heard you. 

Ezra. My mistake— I meant to say a dollar. Well, I'll pay 
you that to-morrow night when your work is done. I might as 
as well save the interest on a dollar'n a half as give it to you. 
[Goes to dresser.] That's twenty-seven dollars and thirty-two 
cents you want. 

Will. That's right. You didn't stop long at the party, Mrs. 
Meeker. 

Mar. [l. c] Well, har'ly. Not after the way that Martha 
Strong acted. Ezra, the Rev. Mrs. Balmer atchilly turned up her 
nose at vie. 

Ezra. [At dresser r.J You don't say so. Well, if Martha im- 
proved on nature any, after what nature has done in turnin' up 
her snout, she must a looked a sight. [Unlocks cash box and 
finds money gone.] Hello— what's the meanin' of this? Where's 
that roll of bills? I put it there and locked the box— and it's 
gone— gone— two hundred and four dollars and fifty cents. Why 
I— I don't understand it— I've been robbed— robbed of two hun- 
dred and four dollars and fifty cents. [Coming down c. with 
cash box.] 

Mar. Robbed? You're crazy, Ezra, they hain't no robbers 
been here— look again. 

Ezra. [Rummaging in box.] It's gone— gone I tell ye— who 
could a done it? [Pause.] I know the robber, by gracious! 
[Calls.] Harry— Harry! [Elsie crosses r.] 

Har. [Off l.] What is it, father? 

Ezra. Come here— I want ye. [Harry enters l. i. e. in shirt 
sleercs.] 

Har. What's the matter, [l. c] 

Ezra, [a] Matter? Don't you dast to ask me what's the 
matter. Where's them two hundred and four dollars and fifty 
cents? [Will and Elsie r. cornier, Mar. l.] 

Har. I don't know what you mean. Which two hundred and 
four dollars and fifty cents? 

Ezra. That you stole outen that cash box while I was gone a 
piece with Lem Davis. 

Har. i" stole money from your cash box? Why, father— you 
are surely not in earnest! 

Ezra. Yes, I am in earnest. Do you think I'm a fool? Do 



40 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

you think I didn't see clear through it when you was so dead 
anxious to borry two hundred dollars at twenty-four per cent in- 
terest for a friend of yours? Well, I did. You wanted that 
money for yourself, to help you outen some devilment you've 
gotten into in the city. That's what you wanted it for, and that's 
why you didn't have money of your own after earnin' sixty dol- 
lars a month for more'n a year. Now give it up! [Throws cash 
box R.] 

Mar. [Crosses to Ezra, liar, drops down to l. corner.] Ezra 
Meeker, hain't you ashamed? To try and make your own son out 
a thief! 

Ezra. Don't you mix up in this, Mariar, or you'll wish you 
hadn't. Now, then, Henery Ward Meeker, I'll just give you one 
minute to produce that money, and if you don't I'll put you 
through for it as sure as my name's Ezra. [Turns to go up. Mar. 
holds him bock.] 

Har. Father, I swear I know nothing about it. I never saw 
the money, never touched it. [Mar. argues with Ezra in panto- 
mime, drawing him l.] 

Elsie. [Aside to Will.] Will, if you love me, do something to 
save him. 

Will. [k. c] I will, for your sake, but I doubt if he is worth i b. 

Elsie. He was not himself — he was unbalanced by worry and 
excitement. Do something— anything — to gain time and give 
him one more chance. 

Har. [Crosses r. c] Elsie—Will— you know all — but surely 
you do not believe me guilty of this? [Tries to take Elsie's hand. 
Will stops him.} 

Will. [Aside.] Stop— don't dare to soil your sister with that 
hand— it is stained with crime. [Aloud, going c] Mr. Meeker, 
I will restore your money. It was taken under great temptation, 
and I can only say that I am sorry— bitterly sorry — that the crime 
was committed. [Takes money from wallet and hands it to 
Ezra.] 

Ezra. [l. c] What! you, Bill Goodall— a thief ? [Will bows 
head and turns ((way.] 

Elsie. [Crossing to him r. c] No— no. Will— not that— not 
that. [Sobbing.] 

Will. [c. Aside.] Hush— it is the only way to save him. 

Mar. [l.] What did I tell you, Ezra? * What did I tell you? 
Didn't I say I wouldn't trust him no farther than I could fling a 
bull by the tail? [Har. sits r. of table, despairingly.] 

"Ezra. [Has been counting money.] Hush up, will ye, Mariar? 
If anybody hada-told me this about you, Bill, I'd a called 'em a 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 41 

liar, if I had to fight for it. Here's your wages. You can keep 
them eighteen cents, and I reckon I'll make out to do the stump- 
in' to-morrer without your help. [Goes l.] 

Mar. Mebbe you'll listen to me next time, Ezra. I told you 
to give Bill his walkin' papers long ago, or you'd be sorry for it. 

Ezra. You don't say so. [Ex. l.] 

Mar. Yes, I do say so, and did say so. [To Will.] Now, young 
man you'll have to travel. They hain't no room in this house for 
you. Christian families and robbers don't sorter mix together 
right. 

Elsie, [r.] Mother — [Protesting and appealing.] 

Mar. [l. c] Not one word, darter. Mebbe you'll trust your 
mother after this. I warned you agin this feller when I first see 
him hangin' round you. Well, this is a judgment on me for not 
wrastlin' powerful enough with your paw over the saloon, I sup- 
pose. Now, then, are you goin' to travel? 

Will. [r. c] I am. [Crosses l. Picks up valise.] Charity 
does not seem to be one of your Christian virtues, Mrs. Meeker. 

Mar. I hain't got no charity to waste on cattle like you. [Goes 
up and opens d. i. f.] 

Elsie. [Meeting Will c. Aside, taking his hand.] Forgive her, 
Will — she does not know — and — I love you. 

Will. God bless you, dear. 

Mar. Now, then, out you git— [err. Will d. i. f. Elsie crying 
l. of table] — and a good riddance to bad rubbish. 

Elsie. Oh, Harry, Harry! I ioved and trusted you so, and this 
is all through you. 

liar. I didn't make him do it. 

Elsie. Didn't make him do it— what base ingratitude! [Ris- 
ing.] I'm disgusted with you. [Ex. r. crying. Mar. locking 
dour, etc.] 

Mar. Good night, Elsie. Don't ye cry, now— he hain't worth 
it. [Aside.] Couldn't a been no nicer if I'd a planned it myself. 
With Bill outen the way she'll listen to Brother Smarden, and 
she'll marry him, too. 

Har. [Aside.] Well, [rising] this cuts off my last resource if 
Davis refuses. What a hypocrite the fellow is— to preach to me 
at the very moment he was laying his plans to get me out of my 
scrape by robbing Dad! [Going l.] 

Mar. [Coming down.] Harry, your paw's got to apologize to 
you in the mornin' or I leave this house. The idear of chargin' 
you with robbin' him. Why, you wouldn't take a pin 'at wasn't 
yours. Well, good night, son— don't forget your prayers. [Kisses 
him.] 



42 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

Har. Good night, mother. [Ex. r. i. e.] 

Mar, [Looking toward window.] I'm sorry the lock on that 
window is broke. I'll have Ezra fix it to-morrer. Now, I think 
I've tended to everything. If I don't see to things myself they 
hain't never done. [Puts out light, stage darkens and ex. r. 
Whitecaps appear at window and, throw tight from bullseye lan- 
tern into room.] 

Soper. [Outside window.] They're in bed, brethren. Now 
make no noise. How can we get in? 

First WMtecao. [Zaeh.] Knock, on the door and he'll open it. 
Then we've got him. 

Soper. That won't do. The old fox is too crafty for that. 

First Wliitecap. Then try the window. 

Soper. [Tries window.] It's all right— it will open. Now get 
in quietly. [He opens window and they get in. All come dour. 
stage.] Well, brethren, we're in. The next thing is to get him 
out of his room. 

First Wliitecap, [r. c] Throw something down and make a 
noise. That'll scare him out. [Other whitecaps grouped around 
from r. c. to l. c] 

Soper, [a] Yes, scare him out of the winder. Can't you think 
of something better than that? [Ezra, enters with shotgun l. 
door, and goes unseen up stage where he hides behind ironing on 
clothes horse.] 

First Wliitecap. We know where he sleeps. If he hain't got 
his door locked let's pull him outen his bed. 

Soper. That's better. You get him, brethren, and I'll whip 
him. I'll lay it on right good, too. 

Ezra. [Throivs down clothes horse.] You don't say so. Throw 
up your hands every dirty, low, measly skunk of ye or I'll punch 
your tickets to the bad place with buckshot. I will, by gracious. 
[Calls.] Harry— oh, Harry! fetch alight! 

Har. I'm coming, father. [Enters i/. I. e. with light. Stage 
is lighted. He crosses it and places on table r.] 

Ezra. Don't you move till I tell ye, dad gast ye. I've got both 
bar'ls loaded to the muzzle, and after shootin' through the South 
for four long years, you can bet your pants I hain't skeered of 
burnin' powder. 

Soper. [a] I want to go home. [Har. goes up r.] 

Ezra. Y 7 ou don't say so. Well, you will when I'm through 
with you. 

First Wliitecap. We are in a trap. 

Ezra. [Goesc.licdf way down.] Regular hornet's nest. Now, 
you first rooster — you — come up here and lay down that whip 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 43 

right on this spot. If either of yon other temperance reformers 
offers to move I'll let fly, and I shouldn't wonder if I git the 
whole of you at one flop. [White caps bring up whips and lay 
them down. Ad lib. dialogue.] Now, Harry, you pick out the 
handiest one of them whips. 

Har. This is a good one, father. [Hands stuffed whip.] 
Ezra. [Comes down [a] Put the others in my room there and 
lock the door. [Harry carries whips off l. door.] I'm goin' to 
give you gents a sample of how it feels to git whitecapped. I 
I hain't goin' to try to find out who you are nor take the law onto 
you. I'm just agoin' to give you the dose of gospel temperance 
reform you tried to give me. and don't forgit that breakin' into a 
man's house at dead of night with a mask on gives that man a 
right by law to shoot you dead. [Har. returns.] Now, Harry, 
you take that gun, and the first one that makes a break at me 
gits the right bar'l. 

Har. [l,.] He'll get it, father. [Puts gun to shoidder.] 
Ezra. Pray, gents, pray. This is a Christian temperance con- 
vention. Now t , if you've prayed enough, dance, durn ye, dance. 
[Sails in and wh ips them. They howl, go on knees and beg for mer- 
cy, etc.] I'll gin you mercy, dod rat you. That's one for luck, etc 
[Ad lib. Pick., Elsie and Mar. come to entrance and group up r.] 
Dance, durn you, dance. [Whipping them.] 

Curtain. 



ACT III. 

[Scene. A street with set saloon, obliqued across l. upper 
comer. Sign over door, "Cigars— hem Dav is— Billiards.'" Door 
and window in saloon, to flip and break away at explosion. 
Barrels and kegs in front of saloon. At rise ZaeJi. and Deacon 
enter r. Bench c. with set fountain,statue or big flower urn back 
of it.] 

Deacon. [Lame and using a stick. Shade over one eye.] Oh, 
Brother Smarden, such a surprise as we got! Either it was not 
the Lord's will that we should whip Ezra Meeker, or the devil 
turned in and helped him powerful. Look at me— I'm a wreck. 
[Sits on bench c] 

Zacli. [r. c] Oh, thou of little faith! Don't you know that 
whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth? 



44 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

Deacon. Well, I got chastened. I have wales on rny back and 
legs, a twisted ankle and a black eye. Oh, Brother Smarden, how 
I suffer! [Groans and rubs himself.] 

Zach. Keep on with the good work, brother. Those who wish 
to wear the crown must bear the cross, you know. How about 
the other brother? 

Deacon, He is laid up, too. Oh, Brother Smarden, Ezra is a 
terrible man when he is aroused. I wouldn't tackle him again to 
whip him — not for a farm. [Groans.] 

Zach. You hadn't the courage to enter till I led you, and but 
for your cowardice we would have whipped him. We must turn 
our attention to Lem Davis next time. 

Deacon. But no whipping — no, sir. [Half whispering.] I'll 
help blow up his place, or burn it down, or anything else to drive 
him away, but I've had all the whitecapping I can stand. 
[Groans.] 

Zach. You have borne your share of the heat and burden of 
the day in that direction, But there is something else that you 
can and must do. 

Deacon. What is that, brother? 

Zach. This man Davis has written to his friends to send him 
letters damaging my character and assailing my integrity. Those 
letters must be stopped— they must never reach him. 

Deacon. How r can it be prevented? 

Zach. You are the postmaster. [Bending over and speaking 
with intention.] 

Deacon. What! Me stop letters in the mail? [Rises, fright- 
ened.] Oh, Brother Smarden, my conscience wouldn't let me. 
[Crosses l. Zach. follows him.] I'm afraid I'd get caught. 

Zach. Look at me — look at me in the eye. [Walks backward 
and Deacon follows, fascinated, to bench, where he drops I imp- 
ly.] You will not get caught, for this is only a means to foil a 
conspiracy against the Lord's work. Don't you feel it is so, 
Brother Soper? [Very intensely.] 

Deacon. Ye' — yes — it — it must be done. ' Oh, yes — as you say 
— it is to help the cause. I'll bring ail the letters to you, Brother 
Smarden, indeed I will. 

Zach. That is right. Now go to your office. [Pointing l..] 

Deacon. Yes, yes— it must be done— there is no danger in do- 
ing the Lord's work. [Ex. l. i. e. as if dazed, muttering to him- 
self.] 

Zach. [Watching him off.] Again the strong mind dominates 
the weak one. I could compel that poor fool to do anything, 
now, even to committing murder. [Crosses r. in thought.] 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 45 

Mar. [Entering r. i. e.] Oh, Brother Smarden, such news! 
Everythin' is all agoin' reg'lar skewgee. [Flops into bench.] 

Zach. [r. c] What is the matter, sister? 

Mar. Why, hain't you heard about the whitecaps tryin' to git 
Ezra last night? 

Zach. Yes, I did hear something of it. 

Mar. Well, Ezra got them, and you never see such an all-fired 
whippin' as he gave 'em in all your born days. When Mayor 
Spraddlin' heard of it, what d'you suppose he done? 

Zach. I haven't heard. 

Mar. Called a special meetin' of the council. They've offered 
one hundred dollars reward for the arrest of the whitecaps, and 
the order closin' Lem Davis up has been withdrawed. Ain't it 
awful? 

Zach. The Lord will raise up an instrument to close it again 
with fire and smoke and total destruction. 

Mar. Amen, Brother Smarden — amen to that. Ezra got 
robbed, too, last night afore the whitecaps come. 

Zach. Robbed? Who robbed him? 

Mar. He told me not to tell [rises and goes r. to Zach. confi- 
dentially], but I look on you as my pasture now, and I feel it's 
my duty to. 'Twas our hired man, Bill Goodall. Yes, sir; robbed 
Ezra of two hundred and four dollars and fifty cents, and when 
Ezra accused our Harry of taking it, and said he'd put him 
through, Bill's conscience hurt him that bad that he up and con- 
fessed and gave back the money. 

Zach. [Aside.] Bill Goodall confessed and gave back the 
money? What can this mean? 

Mar. Bill was all ready to skip to Chicago, but I guess he 
hain't agoin' now. 

Zach, I am glad that your son was cleared of all suspicion. 

Mar. Yes, indeed, Brother Smarden. Why, that boy wouldn't 
steal if he was starvin'. But, say, it was good another way — it 
gits rid of Bill. If I was you, Brother Smarden, I'd kinder call 
round and see Elsie. [Sits on bench.] 

Zach. I shall do so, Sister Meeker. I admire your daughter 
very much, and I have been thinking over what you said about a 
married missionary having more influence. 

Spraddling-. [Enters r. i. e.] Good day to you. 

Mar. Good day, Mayor Spraddlin'. Did you git through? 

Sprad. Yes; we've adjourned. [Crossing l. c] 

Zach, [Leaning against back of bench c] I hope you and 
the aldermen have been guided aright in your action, Mr. Mayor. 

Sprad. I believe we have, Mr. Smarden. The dastardly out- 



46 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

rage attempted last night has opened the eyes of some people 
who didn't believe that the fanatics of the temperance party 
would attempt violence. 

Zach. Desperate diseases require desperate remedies, Mr. 
Mayor — not that I fully approve of the affair of last night. 

Sprad, The man who does approve of that is nothing better 
than an anarchist. 

Zach. Then you believe in enforcing the law? 

Sprad. I do. 

Zach. And you will keep this grog shop closed? 

Sprad. Not necessarily. 

Zach. But you will if you enforce the law, Mr. Mayor. 

Sprad. We must use discretion. The sentiment of the public 
must govern that — and public opinion is against the desperate 
men who have openly threatened to proceed to dynamite and fire. 
That is mob rule and anarchy pure and simple. 

Zach. [Coming down to him.] To tell the truth, Mr. Mayor, 
the brewers and the whisky trust have plenty of money, and are 
willing to spend it freely to purchase action favorable to their 
traffic, and to pay advocates who will bolster up their infamous 
business with talk about mob rule and anarchy. 

Sprad. Stop — you have gone too far. Even your cloth shall 
not protect you if you repeat that slanderous inuendo. If you 
have any evidence to back the charges you insinuate, go before 
the grand jury and make them openly. [Going l,.] 

Mar. [Rises.] We can't do it, Ben Spraddlin', because the 
bribers is too sharp to let us catch 'em. But you hain't runnin' 
politics in this town merely for your health, and you know it. 

Ezra. [Entering l.] You don't say so. An' you hain't agad- 
din' round town, attendin' meetin's and makin' yourself a general 
nuisance, neglectin' your housework and makin' me go without 
supper for my health, neither. 

Mar. [Doivn c] I've been your slave long enough, Ezra 
Meeker. If you want supper Pickles can git it for you. It is my 
mission to work in the temperance cause, and I'm agoin' to do it 
for all you. 

Ezra. [Goes c. to her.] If some of you weemin' would reform 
your tempers, reform your cookin', reform the way you treat your 
hired help, and reform your ideas that you're the whole thing, 
you'd be in better business. [Sits c] 

Sprad. [l,.] Now you're talking sense, Ezra. This woman 
business ie a perfect craze. They insist upon neglecting the 
duties plainly imposed upon them by nature, to invade business 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 47 

and public life as man's rival. There is scarcely a thing men do 
that they don't attempt. 

Mar. [r. c] 'Cept chaw terbacker, drink liquor and hold out 
their hands for boodle. 

Ezra. You don't say so. Just give 'em time and they'll do all 
that and more, too. 

Zach. [l. c] Woman in this civilized age is no longer the 
slave, but the equal of man. 

Ezra. You don't say so. I'll bet Mariar's the equal of any 
three men — to hear her tell it. Hello — here comes Lem, and he's 
in a hurry. [Lem enters r. 2 e.] Howdy, Lem — where you goin' 
so fast? 

Lem. [r. c] Howdy. I'm just goin' to open up. 

Sprad. The aldermen say they'd sooner see one place run wide 
open than a dozen blind pigs on the sly. 

Lem. Bully! Come in and take somethin'. Come on, Ezra, I 
want to show you them leaky pipes. [Ex. with Ezra and Sprad. 
into saloon after unlocking door.] 

Mar. [a] It's a wonder to me that man wa'n't struck down 
dead. 

Zach. He will be visited yet. Oh, that the chief magistrate 
should enter such a place! [Sits c] 

Mar, Say, Brother Smarden, I see them blowin' up them 
stumps this mornin'. [Sitting beside him.] 

Zach. A very interesting operation, Sister Meeker. 

Mar. An' I know how to set off dynamite now. 

Zach. Knowledge is power, sister. 

Mar. An' I have a stick of it and a cap an' fuse hid under the 
dooryard step, Brother Smarden. 

Zach. An excellent place to store them, Sister Meeker. Dyna- 
mite should never be kept indoors, especially near the fire. 

Mar. I reckon one stick 'ud about bust up that saloon busi- 
ness, Brother Smarden. 

Zach. If it were properly placed and exploded it doubtless 
would, Sister Meeker. 

Mar. An' it hain't sinful to root out evil doers, Brother Smar- 
den? 

Zach. David went forth and slew the enemies of the Lord, 
Sister Meeker. 

Mar. And they can't do anything to a person for blowin' up 
their own propity, can they, Brother Smarden? 

Zach. We may do as we will with our own, Sister Meeker. 

Mar. [Rises.] Then I bar the saloon as my thirds of all 
Ezra's got, Brother Smarden. 



48 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

Zacli. [Rising.] Pray that you may use your property for the 
good of mankind, Sister Meeker, and I will pray for you, also. I 
shall call on Elsie this evening. Good bye, Sister Meeker. 
[Ex. R.] 

Mar. That dear good man! He as good as told me to do it. 
I would, too, if I wasn't skeered of gitthv caught. Ezra'd 
almost kill me if he found out. Oh, I wisht I only dast to 
do it. [Ex. l.] 

Elsie. [Enters with Will r. 2 e.] Harry remains as stubborn 
as can be, and declares that he had nothing to do with taking 
the money. I have tried to persuade him to confess several 
times, but he only gets angry and says you took it. [Sits c] 

Will. [r. c] It is hard to believe that a boy apparently so 
frank would act as he is doing. Yet the circumstances are so 
strongly against him that it is almost impossible to think other- 
wise. 

Elsie. Could anybody else have stolen it? 

Will. Pickles was the only one in the house after your father 
left with Davis, and it is absurd to think of her as the thief. 

Elsie. I have questioned her. She fell asleep, she says, and I 
am satisfied that she knows nothing about it. 

Will. Elsie, I am convinced that Harry is telling the truth. 

Elsie. I feel inclined to believe him, too, especially as he has 
remained here to try to raise the two hundred dollars, instead of 
going back to Chicago. 

Will. That is just the point that struck me. If he had taken 
that money he would have gone back to-day. 

Elsie. I know that he saw Davis early in the afternoon. 

Will. With what result? 

Elsie. Leai said he hadn't the money by him, but if the mayor 
let him reopen he would try to give it to him to-morrow. 

Will. How does your father take it? 

Elsie. He kept his eyes on Harry all the time he was speaking 
and said, "Bill is a good fellow, if he did make a mistake." 

Will. My mind is made up. I'll not leave here until this 
thing is explained and the thief is discovered. After all, I am 
not sorry it happened. 

Elsie. Why, Will? Mother certainly thinks you a thief, so 
does Harry, and if father does not, he doesn't say so. 

Will. But you know I'm not, and have promised that you will 
not marry any one else until I have been admitted to the bar. 

Elsie. How could I refuse to promise that after what you did 
for my sake, Will? 

Will. Are you quite sure that it is not gratitude instead of 
love, Elsie? 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 49 

Elsie. I know it isn't. [Rises.] But I must go, dear. Mother 
will wonder what has become of me. 

Will. If she suspected that you had been with me there would 
be a scene. 

Elsie. Yes, she thinks she can make me marry Mr. Smarden, 
who wants to make use of my voice in his business. You should 
have seen his eyes snap when I refused to sing in the choir any 
more. He looked, for a moment, like a fiend. 

Will. That man is either a lunatic or thoroughly bad. Either 
way he is dangerous, so have nothing to do with him. I feel cer- 
tain he inspired that whitecapping episode last night. Shall I 
see you to-morrow? 

Elsie. At the same place — till then, good-bye. [Ex. l.] 

Ezra. [Enters from saloon,] Oh, Bill. [Bill watching her off.] 

Will. Well, sir. 

Ezra. [Leaning c. against bench.] I see you talkin 1 to my gal 
from the winder, yonder. 

Will. Yes, I was speaking to her. [l. c] 

Ezra. Hain't ye got no more right feelin's than that, after 
what you done? 

Will. I have done nothing that I'm ashamed of. 

Ezra. You don't say so! Then all I have to say is that you 
hain't got no more shame than a naked statue. Why, you con- 
fessed yourself a robber, and give up the money. 

Will. You are not quite correct. I didn't confess myself a 
thief, but I did give you the money. I said I restored your 
money, which had been taken under great temptation, and I was 
sorry the crime had been committed. I didn't say I took it. 

Ezra. Same thing. Folks hain't givin' up two hundred and 
four dollars if they have a right to keep it these hard times, by 
gracious! 

Will. Not as a general thing; but in this case I did. 

Ezra. You don't say so. Oh, sho! You're coddin' me. [S/Ysc.] 

Will. I was never more in earnest. 

Ezra. What did you do it for? 

Will. Because I'm in love with Elsie. 

Ezra. That's natural, If I was a young feller, and no relation, 
be durned if I wouldn't git stuck on her, too. But what had that 
to do with the two hundred and four dollars? 

Will. You suspected Harry, and so did I. She would break 
her heart if he were a thief, so to save her sorrow I took the 
blame. 



50 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

Ezra. You don't say so! [Jumps up.] Then Harry did take 
it, after all. 

Will. No, Harry did not take it. He is as innocent as I am. 

Ezra. Then who did take it? Two hundred and four dollars 
can't unlock no cash box and fly away of their own accord. 
Somebody gobbled that money as sure as shooting. Who did it? 

Will. That is just what I have set myself to find out, and if 
you will help me we will land the thief in jail before he is many 
hours older. 

Ezra. By gracious, Bill, I'll do it. [Shakes hands.] I always 
liked you, and it kinder broke me all up when I thought you'd 
robbed me. I knew you had money saved, for you never spent 
none, and I like to see a young feller keerful sorter, hangin' onto 
the dollars. 

Will. Say nothing to Mrs. Meeker or anybody about the mat- 
ter, and don't be surprised if I pay you a visit. 

Ezra. With Elsie to home? Well, I should say not! Oh, say, 
Bill, now that this thing is explained, hadn't you better gimme 
back them eighteen cents? 

Will. Certainly. That will be two hundred and four dollars 
and thirty-two cents you owe me. 

Ezra. You don't say so! Gosh durn it — I forgot I'd been 
robbed. Say, you'd better keep them eighteen cents, after all. 

Will. All right, Mr. Meeker. If we don't catch the thief I'll 
never ask for my money. Then I may call and see Elsie? You 
have no objection to my attentions? 

Ezra. Not a durn objection. Say, be durned if I wouldn't let 
you marry her jest to spite Mariar. I would, by gracious. 
[Jag"g*sy sneaks on r. 2 e.] 

Jag". [Aside.] They say Lem's open agin. Now where's that 
dime? [Searches pockets and finds it.] Wow! here it is. [Ex. 
into saloon.] 

Will. Then you have no reason for suspecting Lem Davis? 
[Sits on bench with Ezra.] 

Ezra. Couldn't a been him, I tell ye. Why, I walked with 
him clear up town, and when I got back you was in the house, 
and so was Harry and Pickles. 

Will. It is very perplexing. [Pick, enters l. i. e.] 

Pick. Say, you hain't seen Pop no place? [Leaning on back 
of bench.] 

Ezra. Why, no— hain't seen him to-day. What you want 
him for? 

Pick. Miss Meeker says the saloon's open, and I know Pop's 
been workin' for Deacon Soper. I'm skeered he'll git peachy. 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 51 

Ezra. Hain't sawn him. [Noise in saloon and Jag', is thrown 
out by Lein.| Jerusha! Here he is now. 

Pick. Oh, Pop! Pull again? [Goes to him and helps him ujh] 

Jag". Full of emptiness. Hain't broke my pledge— not much. 
[Comes down l.] 

Ezra. What's the matter? Who threw you out? 

Jag 1 . Lem. 

Ezra. What for? 

Jag". Nothin'. I only went in to buy a little somethin' good 
for cramps, and he ordered me out. [l. c] 

Ezra. You don't say so. Throwin' stones at his own bar, by 
gracious. 

Jag'. He said he wouldn't serve no man that had jined the 
temperance, not if his tongue was hangin' out. 

Ezra. You don't say so. [£*7s.] Well, I reckon Lem's about 
right. When a man gits so low down 'at he can't control himself 
he'd ought to quit, and the liquor dealers ought to make him stay 
quit. 

Jag - . But I had the price. 

Ezra. Don't make no difference. If Lem's goin' to stick to 
that rule they'll be a hull lot of folks in this town bringin' it in 
in original packages, and hidin' it under the sofy. 

Pick. [l. corner.] Pop, I'm ashamed of you. First thing you 
know you'll be a regular old bum. 

Ezra. Do you want to go to work? 

Jag". Work? [Recoiling in horror.] 

Ezra. So long since you did any you've forgot what it is, hey? 

Jag*. Oh, no; I've been helpin' the postmaster the last three 
days. 

Ezra. Helpin' him how? As a horrible example at the tem- 
perance rallies? 

Jag*. No— runnin' errants for him. 

Ezra. Well, if you want fifty cents a day and your keep for 
helpin' me out with my chores and stumpin' you can come along. 
But I'll hold back a week on ye, and if I ever smell liquor on 
your breath you lose that week's pay. I'm willin' to give any 
feller a show if he wants to quit, so now, John Hennery Thomp- 
son, brace up and be a man. 

Will. You'd better take it, Jaggsy, while you have a chance. 
[Leaning over bench.] 

Pick. [Goes to him.] Take it, Pop, please do. Mebbe after a 
while you and me can go to keepin' house and I w r on't have to be 
bound out to Mam Meeker by the county. Please take it, Pop- 
it's your last chance to git respectable. 



52 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

Jag 1 . Fifty cents a day and my keep and leave liquor alone? 
Them's pretty good wages for me, but I've sorter promised the 
Deacon I'd stop around in case he wanted me. 

Pick. But this is a stiddy job, Pop. 

Ezra. I reckon that's what hurts — he's been loafin' so long he 
hates to tackle anything stiddy, Haintgot no sand in him. 

Jag'. Yes, I have, too. I was as likely a young feller as you 
was till you cut me out with Mariar Martin. 

Ezra. [Rises.] John Hennery, that was the biggest durn fool 
trick I ever did, and you'd ought to thank your lucky stars I 
done it. You would if you'd had as much Mariar as I have, 
[Goes r.] 

Jag". Mebbe you're right, Ezra. I'll take the job, anyhow — 
fifty cents a day and my keep and no liquor. But I'm on an er- 
rant for the Deacon now to Mr. Smarden. [Lem enters from 
saloon. Buss of arranging kegs. Then leans against them. 
Has on apron.] 

Ezra, [r.] You let the Rev. Smarden rip and tend to me. I 
have no kinder use for that mis'ble coot, nor Seth Soper, neither. 
Anybody seen him to-day? 

Jag*, [l. c] Why, I just come from him. He's feelin' awful 
bad. 

Ezra. What's the matter of him? 

Jag". Got a black eye, a game ankle and bruises all over. Says 
he fell down the sullar stairs last night. 

Ezra. Ha, ha, ha, ho, ho, ho! Fell down the sullar stairs— oh, 
gosh! but that's good. He fell up agin his Uncle Ezra — that's 
what's the matter, and danced to the whistlin' of a blacksnake 
whip. 

Lem. [Loafing against bench. Will goes r. with Pick.] He 
ain't the only one. Tom Barton says they was two other temper- 
ance galoots at the noon meetin' that looked as if they'd 'a' been 
drawed through a knothole. 

Ezra. The next whitecap 'at tackles me '11 git drawed through 
a bunghole into a bar'l of tar. Now, say, Lem, I've hired John 
Hennery Thompson to work for me, and if you let him have any 
liquor you're goin to have your own troubles. Bill's goin' to Chi- 
cago putty soon, so he's quit me. 

Lem. Too bad, ain't it? I thought he was goin' to stop here* 
and run for mayor on the dry ticket. Thought he'd mebbe build 
a roof over the town with a steeple at one end and turn it into a 
Sunday school. 

Will. When I do that I'll put you in as superintendent. 
Ezra. And satan was there also. Eh, Bill? 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 53 

Lem. [Dozen c] Well, young feller, you're dead right to jump 
the town. The council has offered one hundred dollars reward 
for the arrest of the whitecap gang, and I calc'late you won't be 
the only reformer we'll have to lose. 

Will. [Hotly and threatening.'] If you mean that I was one 
of that fanatical crowd, you lie, and you know you lie. 

Lem. Can't call liar at me. [As- he rushes at Will, Ezra gets 
between them.} 

Ezra. [Backing him around stage.] Well, of all the cantan- 
kerous, pepper-tempered, red-hot, all-fired, mean, ugly cusses I 
ever see, Lem Davis, you wear the belt. No matter what Bill 
Goodall thinks about the saloon, he's a man clear through to his 
boots. If he's got anything to say he'll say it clear to your face, 
and if he has any lickin' to do it'll be done by daylight like a man, 
not like a low-down sneakin' whelp in the dark of the moon. 

Lem. [l,.] If he wants some one to lick, I'm his man by day- 
light or dark. No white-livered, psalm-singin' prohibitionist can 
come monkeyin' around me callin'liar. 

Will. You're a bully, and a sound drubbing would do you all 
the good in the world. 

Ezra, [a] Now, now Bill, don't make no muss. Lem's all 
right only for what ails him, and you're about the same. You're 
both good fellers in yourw T ay. Come, now, shake hands. 

Will. I'll take the hand of no man I can't respect. 

Lem. My sentiments to a dot. [Begin to darken stage.] 

Ezra. You don't say so. Well, put your hands in your pockets. 
That'll keep you from scrappin' unless you use your feet. [Lem 
retires up to saloon.] 

Pick. Come along, Dad, it's getting dark, and I'm notgoin' to 
let you out after sundown. It's this night work that's killin' you. 

Ezra. Yes — we'll all travel along to supper. Won't you come 
with us, Bill? 

Will. No; thank you all the same, but I'd rather not. 

Ezra. Well, so long. [Going l.] Come on, John Hennery. 
Don't you two git to makin' trouble agin or you'll hear from me. 

[Ex L. I. E.] 

Pick. Come on, Pop. [Pulling him l.] 

Jag'. But that errant to Mr. Smarden, Gusta Ann. 

Pick. Oh, shoot old Smarden. You come and git your supper. 
[Ex. with Jag*, l. i. £.] 

Lem. Coming down to Will, who is sitting c] What you 
loafin' about here for? 

Will. This is a free country, and I don't have to explain my 
business to you. 



54 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

Lein. [l. c] Don't hey? Well, you take my advice and keep 
away from my place. 

Will. That's the best advice you've given in many a day. It's 
a pity your customers can't hear and act on it. 

Lem. Are you goin' to move along? 

Will. When I get good and ready. 

Lem. All right. [Ex. into saloon. Stage now dark. Lights 
showing in saloon.] 

Will. That fellow is very anxious to pick a fight. Perhaps 
it's just as well not to have trouble with him. He's an ignorant 
bully and there wouldn't be much glory in thrashing him. [Ex. 
r. i. e. as Zacli. enters r. 2 e.] 

Zach. So far all is well. Soper has sent me no word, so the 
expected letters have not arrived. [Sits c] It now remains to be 
seen whether my will is strong enough to bring Mrs. Meeker here 
and compel her to do the deed. [Takes off hat and rests head in 
hands.] Come— I command it— I will it— come. [Lem enters 
from saloon, sneak's up behind Zach. and strikes him overhead 
with bungstarter.] 

Lem. Now will you move along. [Zach. falls forward. Lem 
looks at him.] Hello— what's this— the preacher! I've hit the 
wrong man. Smarden — Smarden I say! He doesn't answer- 
he's dead! Now I'm in a fix. Smarden— Smarden! [Ezra en- 
ters L. I. E.] 

Ezra. What's the matter, Lem? Who is it? 

Lem. I thought it was Bill, and gave him a soak on the head. 
I thought he was spying on me. It's Smarden! 

Ezra. Say, Lem, this is serious. 

Zach. Water— give me water. 

Lem. Help me get him into the house and we'll soon bring 
him round. [They support Zach. into saloon.] 

Mar. [Enters l. i. e,} Oh, you villains! Got the saloons run- 
nin' full blast, hain't ye? Well, this'll be the last night of it in 
my propity. My conscience won't give me no peace night nor 
day as long's it's runnin', so here goes. [Places dynamite ami 
lights fuse in l. 2 e.] Now, Lem Davis, and 'likewise Ezra 
Meeker, the judgment has come— you're come up with. [Ex. 

L.I. E.] 

Will. '[Re-enters r. just as explosion takes place. Saloon 
breaks away, everything flips, bricks and mortar fall from trip 
board, Zach. and Lem fall through door, Ezra is pitched through 
window. Red fire. Fire bells heard.] 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 55 

Ezra. By gracious! You don't say so! 

Curtain. 
[Second picture — Will under arrest by Tom; Davis pointing at 
him. Mar. and Ezra attending Zach.] 

ACT IV. 

[Same as Act II. At rise Elsie sewing at table c. Harry in 
armshair down r. reading. Pickles tidying room.] 

Har. [Throwing dowji paper.] It's no use, Sis, I can't read 
or anything else. I'm too worried and anxious. 

Elsie. But why do you worry? Davis promised to let you 
have the money if he was allowed to reopen, and as he got per- 
mission he will no doubt keep his word. 

Har. I wish I could feel sure of that, Sis. There's many a 
slip, you know, and if anything should occur to prevent him I 
shall be ruined. 

Elsie. Will has not gone away yet — 

Har. That thief- 
Elsie. [Rises.] He is no thief— and if he were you should be 
the last to reproach him. 

Har. I am rebuked, Sis. I beg your pardon. 

Elsie. Will Goodall did not take that money. He thought you 
did, and gave up his own hard-earned savings to shield you. 

Har. Nonsense — he confessed that he had taken it. 

Elsie. He did not. He said the money had been taken under 
great temptation, and that he was sorry the crime had been com- 
mitted — but he meant by you. He tried to save you for my sake. 

Har. That may be all very well to tell you, Sis, for the pur- 
pose of gaining your favor, but it won't go down with me. Bill 
played a shrewd trick, and you were innocent enough to believe 
him. 

Elsie. Harry Meeker! what base ingratitude — I am ashamed 
of you! [Fire bell heard in distance.] 

Har. Hark! What's that? 

Pick. It's a fire. [Runs up to door and looks off.] Oh, gee! 
somethin's afire just up street. The sky's all red— come— quick, 
quick and look at the smoke. [Har. and Elsie go up and look 
off.] I'll bet the w T hitecaps are burnin' down the town because 
they can't run it. 

Elsie. How it burns! Oh, Harry, I'm afraid it will spread 
to us. 

Har. No; the wind's in the wrong direction and, besides, there 



56 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

is plenty of water since the new pumps were put in. 

Elsie. Why, who is this coming? Somebody has been hurt. 
It's mother — 

Pick, With Lem Davis and Mr. Smarden. Gee, doesn't he 
walk wabbly — like a duck on a jamboree. 

Elsie. Hush, Pickles. He has been injured. [Lem and Mar. 
enter door in flat supporting Zacii. He has head tied up.] 

Mar. Now then, Pickles, fly round and set that arm cheer. 
Elsie, you go and get a pillow and Harry, you help me take off 
his coat. How are you now, Brother Smarden? 

Zacli. In great pain and very faint, Sister Meeker. 

Mar. We'll have you comfortable in a few minutes. Now, 
Harry, that arm is hurt. Careful how you pull. [They take off 
<-oat.] Go get me a basin of luke-warm water, Pickles. Elsie, I 
should think you might do somethin' when you see a feller creetur 
sufferin'. [Pick, gets water, etc., from door r. Har. and Lem 
converse down l.] 

Elsie. What shall I do, mother? 

Mar. Do? Why, get some cotton for bandages. You'll find 
the rag bag behind the door in the spare room. [Ex. Elsie l. r. e ] 

Lem. [l. c] It's a wonder we wa'n't all three killed. 

Har. [l.] How did the explosion occur? 

Lem. That's the pint we're after. Bill Goodall had been 
hangin' around the place for some time, and Joe Smith says he 
sold him dynamite and fulminatin' caps yesterday, so he was ar- 
rested on the spot. 

Har. Bill was dead against the liquor traffic, too, but he didn't 
take an active part in the agitation on account of the old man's 
views. 

Lem. More'n that — me and him had trouble twice. Well, I 
must hurry back. [Going up. Elsie re-enters l. i.e. with hau- 
lages.] 

Har. Just one moment, Lem. I hope this won't make any 
difference to your loaning me the money? 

Lem. I'm mighty sorry, but I couldn't do it nohow. You see, 
your dad's insured up to the last cent, so it don't matter to him; 
but my insurance ran out Monday and I didn't renew because I 
didn't know whether they was going to close me up or not. [Go- 
ing up.] 

Har. [Following him.] For heaven's sake, Lem, isn't there 
any way you could manage it? 

Lem. No way at all — I lose everything. I'm sorry, but I can't 
let you take what I haven't got. [Ex. d. i. f. Mar. is bathing 
Zacli's wrist.] 



A DELICATE QUESTION. * 57 

Har. [Up c. Aside.] My last hope is gone. Exposure is in- 
evitable. [Calls.] Lem, Lem! [Seizes hat and hurries offT>. i. f.] 

Mar. How does that feel now, Brother Smarden? 

Zach. Much easier, thank you. 

Mar. [r. c] That's good; Hustle and git me a needle and 
thread, Pickles, and you, Elsie, help me put on this bandage. 

Elsie, [r.] Is the wound on your head very painful, Mr. 
Smarden? Will it need stitching? 

Zach. I think not. The doctor said it was only a slight affair 
and that all it needed was bandaging. 

Elsie. [Looking at his arm.] Why, what terrible bruises you 
have all up your arm. You must have been thrown against some- 
thing with great force. They almost look like stripes from a 
whip. 

Mar. You hush up, Elsie. Can't you see that Brother Smar- 
den is in too much pain to be worried? How is it now? Any 
easier? Is that drawed too tight? Tell me if it hurts. 

Zach. No, that will do nicely, Sister Meeker. I am much 
more comfortable already. 

Mar. That's good. Now I'll go and make you a cup of strong 
tea. It's mighty comfortin', tea is, when you've been all shook 
up as you have. 

Zach. Thanks, Sister Meeker. I think I could partake of a 
little tea. You are very good. 

Mar. [Aside. Going up.] The good Lord knows I'd a cut my 
hand off rather than had this happen. [Ex. door r.] 

Zach. It is i j such a moment as this that a man feels the need 
of a wife, Miss Elsie. Some one to soothe his pain and sympa- 
thize with his misery. Don't you think so? 

Elsie, [r. c] Never having been a man, and in your position, 
I can scarcely offer an opinion, Mr. Smarden. 

Zach. But you might be able to imagine how I feel. 

Elsie. You are doubtless very nervous from the shock and in 
considerable pain. 

Zach. Won't you please move that footstool a little to the 
right, Miss Elsie? [She does so.] Ah, thank you. Have you 
ever thought how important the lives of even the humblest of us 
may become when we are properly mated, Miss Elsie? 

Elsie. I don't think I have ever considered the matter. [Mar, 
re-enters unseen and listens.] 

Zach. You and I, for instance, are peculiarly fitted for each 
other. 

Elsie. Do you think so? I fail to see it. 

Zach. Indeed we are. Tog-ether we could do an immense 



58 . -A DELICATE QUESTION. 

amount of good in temperance and evangelistic work. 

Mar. [Aside.] He's agoin' to pop, and I'm agoin' to make her 
have him. That's why he ain't blamed me for blovvin' him up 
along with the saloon, What a patient, long sufferin', Christian 
man he is! 

Zacli. My preaching, supplemented with your singing, some- 
thing after the style of Moody and Sankey, might be made the 
means of saving thousands. Will you enter into a life partner- 
ship with me in the salvation of souls? 

Elsie. No. [After a pause.] 

Zacli. You said ? [Surprised.] 

Elsie. No — no, no! I hope you understand that I mean it. I 
wouldn't marry you, Mr. Smarden, under any consideration. 
[Sits c] 

Zacli. But think of the life of ease and constant excitement. 
Our field would not even be bounded by America. England and 
foreign lands should be included in our vineyard. And as for 
money — the laborer is worthy of his hire, and all successful evan- 
gelists are handsomely remunerated. 

Mar. [Coming doivn.] Ahem — excuse me — I couldn't help 
hearin' what you said, Brother Smarden. [Hands l/im tea.] 

Zacli. There is nothing to conceal, Sister Meeker. I am trying 
to induce Miss Elsie to become my wife. 

Mar. Why, Elsie Meeker — you lucky gal! You'd ought to 
feel proud and happy for such a chance. Why, most gals 'ud 
jump at it. 

Elsie, [a] Then I'm not like most girls, mother. I have 
already told Mr. Smarden so, and that nothing could induce me 
to marry him. 

Mar. Oh, sho! Just a young gal's whim. [Aside to her.] I'm 
sure Brother Smarden's a fine appearin' man and a powerful 
preacher. Why, you'd be the envy of every gal in town — yes, an' 
bigger towns'n this. 

Elsie. I have no ambition to be envied in that way, mother. 
You know very well I have told you all along that I would never 
marry a man I didn't love, and I don't love Mr. Smarden. [Ezra 
enters d. i. f. and conies down unseen.] 

Mar. Well, if you don't beat all I ever see! Ain't you ashamed 
to talk that way? Moreover, if you're thinkin' of Bill Goodall, I 
tell you pintedly that he's coolin' his heels in the lockup right 
now. 

Ezra. You don't say so. 

Mar. [Crossing l. Aside.] Durn that Ezra— he's alius got to 
poke his nose in jest when he's not wanted, and spile everythin'. 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 59 

Elsie, [r. c] What do you mean by saying Will is in the 
lockup? 

Mar. They've took him for blowin' up the saloon and settin' it 
afire. Some of the folks was talkin' about lynchin' him, and the 
sheriff's goin' to take him to the county jail tonight. 

Ezra. You don't say so. Well, for news, Mariar, you can give 
the Chicago papers pinters, by gracious. 

Mar. [Mocking.] You don't say so. 

Ezra. Yes I do say so. Bill Goodall didn't have nothin' to do 
with that business, as you and Smarden and Seth Soper well 
know. I signed his bonds myself, and they'll be mournin' in the 
temperance crowd afore this thing's done with. 

Zacli. You surely don't blame this to our people? 

Ezra. Oh, no — no more'n I blame the whitecappin' last night. 
Reckon it must 'a' been Mariar, or Elsie here, or Pickles. We'll 
have to look out for them three desperate weemin. [Retires up.] 

Zacli. [Aside.] Then he does not suspect her. [Aloud.] Per- 
haps you think I struck myself with a slungshot, carried myself 
to the saloon and then exploded a bomb when I got inside. 

Ezra. [Upstage] No, I don't nuther, 'cause I was there. 
[Comes down r.] But I do think you was waitin' for it to be did 
when you got clubbed, and that ihem as set it off didn't know 
you was inside. You fixed the cattridge and lit the fuse yourself 
for all I know. 

Mar. [l. c] Look out who you're accusin' Ezra Meeker. 
Don't you git the wrong pig by the ear or it'll make you trouble. 

Ezra. You don't say so. 

Mar. Lem Davis says Bill Goodall done it, and a man 'at'll 
steal two hundred and four dollars and fifty cents '11 do anythin'. 
He'd ought to be in the penitentiary on gineral principles, he had, 
if he did give it back. 

Ezra. You don't say so. Don't you worry about the peniten- 
tiary, Mariar. They'll be some new faces in it before I drop this 
thing. [Takes c] 

Mar. It's a judgment, that's what it is, Ezra. It's a judgment 
onto you for flyin' in the face of Providence by maintainin' that 
saloon and ruinin' our boys and men with liquor. ^Crosses r. to 
Zacli.] 

Ezra, [a] Durn your judgments, Mariar. Durn your judg- 
ments, I say. This here business is fanatickism and crime, that's 
what it is, and it hain't no judgment whatsoever. What's more, 
I declare myself right now. I won't be bulldozed and I won't be 
driv. The temperance crowd has cost me mebbe a couple of 
thousan' dollars tonight but, by gracious, I'm agoin' to open three 



60 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

saloons to-morrer to show 'em that they can't skeer me. What's 
more, I'm goin' to put my name onto the signs. 

Lem. [Entering d. i. f.] Good thing, Ezra, I'll help to push 
it along [Comes doivn l. c] We've got enough stock to start 
'em at that. There's three bar'ls of beer and five of whiskey and 
about nine cases of fine liquors. The cigars, though 

Ezra. I know — they all went up in smoke. How about 
fixtures? 

Lem. Nothin' saved except the picture of Grover Cleveland. 
[Or loci 1 1 character.] 

Ezra. You don't say so! Well, he was too tough to burn. 
Three bar'ls of beer, five of whiskey and some case liquors? I'll 
have them three saloons runnin' red hot before six o'clock to- 
morrer night. What you done with the stuff? 

Lem. Moved it into the Dutchman's basement and Harry's 
at ten din' to it. 

Mar. [r. leaning on armchair.] My boy 'tendin' to a stock of 
liquor? Oh, Brother Smarden, that I should ever have lived to 
see this day. [Sobbing. Kneels by armchair.'] 

Ezra. Mariar Meeker, don't make a fool of yourself — nature 
has did enough for you in that line. It hain't agoin' to hurt 
Harry no more'n it's hurt me. 

Zach. "At the last it biteth like a serpent and stingeth like 
an adder." 

Ezra. Hain't never stung me none. I don't know the taste of 
it, so I never had the snakes bitin' and stingin' me. 

Zach. Sister Meeker, I am afraid my arm is swelling. The 
bandage grows uncomfortably tight. 

Mar. Then I'll loosen it. [Buss.] Why, it is swole up a hull 
lot, 

Ezra. What's the matter? Sprained or broke? [Going r.] 

Zach. Sprained, I think. [Mar. has bandage off.] 

Ezra. Say, parson, what's all them black and blue marks? 

Zacli. [Trying to pull down shirt sleeve.] I contracted those 
bruises when I fell. They are most painful. 

Ezra. You don't say so. I never see bruises turn black so 
quick. Reckon your fall was a good deal like Seth Soper's. He 
fell down the sullar stairs last night. Shouldn't wonder if you 
have wales on your back as big's my finger, and if them ain't 
whip-lash marks I'll be switched. 

Zach. What do you mean? 

Ezra. That there's a hundred dollars reward oat for the white- 
cap gang, and I know the names of two of 'em. [Crossing l.j 
Oh, I'll teach some folks to be careful how they monkey with 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 61 

their Uncle Ezra. [Will enters d. i. f. Goes to Elsie l,.] Hello, 
Bill. 

Will. I said I'd see you this evening. 

Mar. Well, of all the nerve, Bill Goodall! How dast you 
come here, after what you done last night? 

Will, [l.] Mr. Meeker invited me. 

Mar. Well, it's all accordin' to taste. Ezra may not hold him- 
self above mixin' up with a thief, but I do. [Turns he?' back.] 

Zach. So do I, Sister Meeker, so do I. If you will assist me, 
I think I am able now to get home. 

Ezra. Don't see no rope tyin' you, if you're bent on goin'. 

Mar. [r. c] Don't you insult my company, Ezra Meeker — I 
w r on't stand it. [Goes r. of arm chair.] 

Ezra. You don't say so. [Crosses n. and places a chair .] Mebbe 
you'll take a chair and sit it. [Retires up a little.] 

Will. [l. c] Before you go, Mr. Smarden, I'd like to ask you 
a few questions, if you have no objection. [Takes c] 

Zach. Certainly not, if they are proper ones. 

Will, [a] They are perfectly proper, but I warn you that 
your answers will have to be scrupulously accurate. What hold 
have you over Postmaster Soper? [Lem and Elsie l. listening.] 

Zach. Hold? Why, none. 

Will. Then is there any reason why he should violate the 
postal laws in your interest? 

Zach. I don't see what you mean. 

Will. Soper, at your instigation, has intercepted letters ad- 
dressed to another person and sent them to you. That is a peni- 
tentiary offense. 

Zach. I know nothing about it. I never received any other 
person's letters. 

Will. No — because Jaggsy has confessed all and handed over 
the letters to me. Here they are. These are your property, Lem 
Davis. [Lem takes letters and opens them. Mar. assists Zach. 
to rise and begins to help him on with his coat.] 

Lem. What's your hurry, Smarden? Don't tear yourself away. 

Zach, I have a duty to perform. As a good citizen I am going 
to get a warrant for the man who committed a brutal and un- 
provoked assault. 

Ezra. You don't say so. 

Lem. [l. c] What name are you goin' to sign to it? Better 
make it James Cooke or you are liable to have trouble yourself 
for perjury. 

Zach. Slanderer. 

Lem. Read that, Ezra. [Gives him letter.] 



62 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

Ezra. [c. Reads.] "In answer to your inquiry, I never heard 
of any such person as Zachariah Smarden. A ryan answering to 
your description, and calling himself Cooke, conducted a tem- 
perance revival here, but left suddenly after borrowing consider- 
able money." Elmer Gizzard — no, not Gizzard — Blizzard — no, 
it's Vizzard. Why does folks want to sign their names so nobody 
can't read 'em? 

Lem. Here's another. Read that. 

Ezra, [Reads.] "Zachariah Smarden conducted a temperance 
revival here some weeks ago, and several of our best people would 
like to see him from five to ten dollars worth. We have since 
heard that he served a term at Fort Madison under a different 
name. [Signed] Aminadab Johnson." What you got to say to 
that? 

Zacli. Only that those letters are forgeries and part of a con- 
spiracy to blacken my character. I shall not stay here to be in- 
sulted any longer. [As lie is getting on his coat wallet falls on 
floor. Pick, picks it up and lie puts it in In-east pocket of coat.] 

Pick. | Who lias been up stage. Handing wallet.] Here, mis- 
ter, you don't want to forget this. Oh, yes — there's something 
else of yours here. [Ex. r. i. e. returning at once with umbrella.] 

Ezra. [Rising, goes c] Where there's smoke there's fire. 
Folks hain't all slanderin' one poor innocent man. No, by 
gracious! 

Pick. [r. c] Hiding umbrella behind her.] Did you lose any- 
thing here last night, mister? 

Zacli. I have not missed anything. 

Pick. Finders keepers, losers seekers? 

Zacli. First tell me what it is. 

Pick. An umbrella. Prove your property and you can have it. 

Ezra. He didn't lose no timbrel', 'cause he was just goin' with- 
out it when I picked it up and called attention to it. 

Mar. [k.] And I handed it to him. It hain't Brother Smar- 
den's umbrel'. Pickles. 

Pick. [Showing it.] Hain't eh? Then what's it got his name 
on it for? There it is, as plain as a pancake. 

Ezra. You don't say so. Well, by gracious! [Takes umbrella, 
looks at it, pauses, drops it, grabs Zacli. and takes wallet from his 
pocket.] 

Zacli. Here, stop that! What are you doing? 

Ezra. Lookin' for two hundred and four dollars and fifty cents 
that some sneak thief stole from me last night. [Opens icallet, 
takes out money, counts it.] And I've got it to the last cent. 



A DELICATE QUESTION. 63 

Mariar, it's all accordin' to taste. You may not be above mixin' 
up with a thief, but I am. [a] 

Zach. [k. c] Give me back that wallet and the money, too; 
they are both mine. 

Ezra. You don't say so. Lem, is they any way you can recog- 
nize the money you paid me last night? Can you remember what 
notes they was? 

Lem. There was a corner torn off" a five dollar note and a ten 
spot was torn in two near the middle. I mended it myself with 
gum paper. 

Will. [l. with Elsie.] If you find those two notes the money 
is identified. 

Zach. [Ezra searching through roll.] You'll never find them. 

Ezra. You don't say so. Well, there's the ten spot, just as 
Lem said, and here's the fiver, by gracious. Bill, here's your 
money — count it and see if it's all O. K. [Gives Will money.] 

Will. [To Elsie. Aside.] Harry shall have the two hundred 
dollars after all. 

Ezra. Now, you mis'ble, ornery, thievin' fraud, what you got 
to say for yourself? [Crossing jr.] 

Zacli. Nothing. [Calmly.] 

Ezra. Nary a word, eh? Suppose you're a poor, innocent man 
'at hasn't been give no show, hain't ye? You're not guilty— 
oh, no! 

Zach. Oh, yes. I took the money. I opened the cash box 
with that key. [Shows key.] 

Ezra. You don't say so! You hain't got a single lie left in 
stock, have ye? 

Zach. Not one that would do any good. That evidence would 
convict. 

Ezra. Convict? Well, you bet your boardin' house it will. 
I'm afraid you won't find it right comfortable in jail tonight, but 
I got to send you there. I hope you'll excuse me, Brother Smar- 
den. 

Zach. Don't apologize, Brother Meeker. I don't intend to go 
to jail. 

Ezra. You don't say so! How do you propose to keep out 
Brother Smarden? 

Zach. By insisting that if I go, dear Sister Meeker shall keep 
me company. 

Ezra. Mariar? What's Mariar been doin'? 

Zach. [Rises.] Committing arson, incendiarism or something 
like that, by blowing up your building tonight and almost doing 
murder. She confessed to me after it was done, and told me, 
when and where she got the dynamite. 



64 A DELICATE QUESTION. 

Ezra. [Aside.] Mariar? By gracious, this is the worst blow- 
in' up she's give me in thirty years. [Aloud.] Was this you 
doin's Mariar? 

Mar. [Crosses to him c.J It's true, Ezra. I done it, but I 
thought I was doin' right. That wicked wretch had me so worked 
upovergittin' rid of the saloon that I couldn't rest. He said it 
was the Lord's work, and that I could claim the buildin' as my 
thirds, and that I had a right to blow it up if I wanted. But my 
eyes is opened now— the spell is off me and if you want to send 
me to jail I'm willin' — I deserve it. 

Ezra. You don't say so! 

Mar. Yes, I do say so. [Crying.] I've been a wicked woman 
as well as a durn fool. 

Ezra. You have, Mariar, you have. 

Mar. I hain't treated you right, Ezra, I know I hain't, and the 
children'll grow up to be ashamed of their mother. 

Ezra. They will, Mariar, because you're guilty of the crime of 
arsenic. [Har. enters d. i. f. drunk. Carries red-handled fire- 
man's ax over shoulder.] 

Har. [Staggering down l.. c] Hello, ole man. Wheel Great 
time — great time. 

Ezra. Why, son — what's the matter? 

Har. [l. c] Never had so much fun — hie — in my life. Opened 
saloon in Dutchman's basement and treated all — hie — the boys. 
The boys all treated me — hie — and now they're all treating them- 
selves. [Elsie ci^ying on Will's shoulder l.] 

Ezra, [a] Mariar — we've been a pair of durn fools. [Grabs 
Zacli. and runs him out d. i. f. Comes down.] There's the first 
act of ginuine reform. We've been a pair of durn fools, and if 
you'll forgive me for that [pointing to Harry], I'll forgive you. 
Bill, you take care of Elsie — for good and all if you want to— and, 
Mariar, you put that fool boy to bed. Gimme that ax. [To 
Har. l. c] 

Mar. [r. c] Vvhat are you goin' to do, Ezra? 

Ezra. L°.] l' m g°i n ' to bust up all that's left of three bar'ls of 
beer, five bar'ls of whiskey and nine cases of line liquors. I'm 
goin' to spill 'em in the sewer, where they belong, and if anybody 
asks you, just tell 'em that Uncle Ezra Meeker is right on the 
temperance question and dead agin the saloon. 

Curtain. 

Harry. Leiu. 
Mar. Ezra. 

Pickles. Elsie. Will. 



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